Wimbledon! Tennis! Tenners!? Yes, we’ve created a wonderful sport for people with £10 notes! A sport where one hits a tenner back and forth across a net in order to procure wealth for thine stockers.
It doesn’t matter whether you’re Boris Becker, Emma Raducanu, Tim Henman, Max Verstappen, Erica Cantona, Martina Hingis, or Brian Blessed, as in the sport of Tenners one is all and all is £10.
One Love: Tenners for Everyone in Rackets-Based Money Game
Let’s face it, tennis is hard work and we can’t all be Martina Hingis or Arnold Schwarzenegger. Or the remarkable robotic genetic mutation Arnold Schwarzenhingis—part Big Arnold, part Martina Hingis. Capable of terminating all before it while complementing such due diligence with a solid game of tennis.
That’s the robot security guard whom monitors all Tenners activity during the event, which is held in Bolton of Greater Manchester near several reliable chippy establishments.
Anyway, we’re on about Tenners—the sport of Kings, Queens, and working class scumbags. All you need to enter the annual Tenners competition are:
- A tenner
- One tennis racket
- Your favourite tabloid
- Several cans of ale
- A short tennis skirt
All entrants to Tenners, male or female, MUST WEAR THE SKIRT AT ALL TIMES DURING THE COMPETITION. This is the law. Anyone found not wearing the skirt will be TERMINATED by Arnold Schwarzenhingis.
You have all been warned.
AND NOW A MESSAGE FROM TENNER’S SPONSOR
🐬 DEMENTED DAVE’S DOLPHIN NOISE CAFE 🐬
“HI THERE! DAVE HERE! DAVE FROM BOLTON! I SHOUT A LOT AND DO SO IN TYPED FORM AS WELL! I SERVE NOWT BUT FINEST DOLPHIN NOISE* IN BOLTON. COME ON DOWN HER T’EAT SOME FINE FOODS. DOLPHIN NOISE FOOD. THAT’S MY SPECIALITY ME. EAT IT HERE WHILE I RANT AT YOU BASTARDS WHY REFORM IS THE FUTURE OF UK BECAUSE I’M A BIT THICK LIKE THAT ME. ENJOY DOLPHIN NOISE! BUY ONE DOLPHIN NOISE, GET FIFTH DOLPHIN NOISE HALF PRICE! Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.”
NB: After visiting this establishment for food health & safety checks, it appears Demented Dave is referring to gratin dauphinoise, the French dish of sliced raw potatoes baked in cream. His take of it being “dolphin noise” is merely an error in diction and grammar.
The Joys of Tenners?
The game works much like tennis. Exactly the same, frankly, except that players use ten pound notes (£10) instead of tennis balls. None of the latter are allowed on the premises (or else Arnold Schwarzenhingis).
During the match, spectators are encouraged to become drunk and rowdy, as this is a very boring game to watch. Invariably, players thrash at the £10, become frustrated, burst into tears, and are promptly eradicated from history by Arnold Schwarzenhingis.
Away from that, there’s plenty of dolphin noise on offer (£10 per serving, of course) during the matches.
Commentators for the inaugural event are John McEnroe and Arnold Schwarzenhingis, the latter doubling up across the Tenners event as the:
- Terminator
- Co-commentator
- Security guard
- Fearful monstrosity
Rest assured, invite your family and friends down as this is going to be a wonderful new annual venue in Bolton and if you don’t attend Arnold Schwarzenhingis may well get very bloody angry with you.
