The human male is a perfectly honed machine, one designed to do stuff like build houses, get angry about stupid things, and have big stinky feet.

Some human females fall in love with these hairy monsters. In the long-term, they’re then forced to discover new and alarming things about them. Such as a habit of leaving a lightbulb on when they leave a room and/or the home.

This horrific state of affairs is addressed to in sensible, sensible fashion.

When a Man Leaves a Lightbulb On in a Room

Dear agony aunt,

Mark my words, my husband Jason is a kind man and a good man. We have been married for 35 year. But he has 1 habit that makes me want to knock his block and it is this HE LEAVES THE LIGHTBULB ON WHEN HE LEAVES THE ROOM or when he LEAVES THE HOUSE.

Over the last 35 year that has cost us at least A GRAND (£££) in WASTED income because he’s STUPID and LAZY and can’t figure out to hit the light switch and just leave it like that. Mark my words!

HE EVEN DOES IT IN SUMMER!

Mark my words, I’ve told him. I’ve said to him: “JASON! You are a kind man and a good man but, mark my words, this leaving lightbulbs on when you bloody well shouldn’t is going to hang over your life and leave a nasty taste in everyone’s mouths.”

He got all defensive and went, “BLOODY ‘ELL, DEIRDRE! It’s not bloody well like I’ve MURDERED someone, is it?! EH!?”

I gave him a look like yeah, well, it’s pretty much as bad as that isn’t it and then he sulked for the rest of the day. Next two days he turns the lights off. Even when I’m in the room to get all snarky with me like. “How’d you like that then, Deirdre, eh? I’m TURNING THE LIGHBULB OFF, YEAH? YOU SATISFIED?!” And he mutters under his breath to make sure I do hear him, “You naggin’ wench!”

Well that were it, I blew me bloody lid! Mark my words, my lid were off and up in the air. I screamed at him for a good 10 minutes, I did, and he had a bloody good telling off! Mark my words.

Problem is he’s gone back to leaving lightbulbs on. Two days he managed! TWO BLASTED DAYS!

What am I going to do with him?

Yours,

Deirdre

Hi there, Deirdre! Your husband sounds like a childish and no good bastard. We don’t like the sound of him one bit! This calls for drastic measures.

There’s no other alternative than to minimalise your lifestyle. Remove all possessions from your beings and live as Buddhist monks:

• Sell the house
• Sell your possessions
• Wave goodbye to family and friends
• Embrace the life of hermits

Do away with lightbulbs for good! It’s the only way, we’re afraid, Deirdre. Your husband is too far gone with this one. He is a slave to not turning lights off properly during home time and/or when leaving the home. He will never change.

However, if you force him to live in a cold, dank cave he WILL change.

This is your new life now. You’re going off the grid and will have to survive off a diet of berries and rats. All because your husband is a bastard.