After THE CHRISTMAS 2025 PUSH, for some reason Santa decided Wednesday this week should be Tennis Elbow Awareness Day (TEAD). TEAD has been tedious, as it turns out, but then everything about him is weird.

Still, with Christmas 2025 well on track (thanks to the joys of AI automation) this year you can look forward to many, many Barbie dolls! And tennis elbow.

🥬 The Giant Cabbage DTs 🥬

Santa endured the most horrible DT lucid dream about cabbages. I was bellowing to the top of my bloody lungs about these bastards. “CABBAGES!!!!” I bellowed. Markus, my head elf, came scarpering into my room but decided not to wake me up because he said I looked “comfortable”.

Comfortable! I was draped, stark bollock naked, over the bidet I’ve had especially constructed in my bedroom. Santa was not at all comfortable! Not one bit! And the cabbages were raining down on me in my lucid DT dream and I was DRENCHED in sweat and dribble. Not a happy time of it.

To make matters much, much worse is that Nurse Doreen had heard me bellowing about cabbages and so brought me some cabbage soup for breakfast. I swear to Santa Gods, that woman is a PLAGUE on my business. Santa really should sack her immediately. Once I snapped out of the dreaming, in my DT stricken state I was too petrified and so ate the cabbage soup in silence like a “good little man baby”. That’s what she said at me.

“There, there, Santa, you good little man baby!”

I gave her the evils and tried bellowing at her, but I hadn’t had any gin so couldn’t really do anything except slurp down nourishing cabbage soup. To be fair, it was pretty tasty. After I finished the bowl, Santa got up and staggered off to down a pint of gin and play some tennis.

Santa Gets Tennis Elbow (and frostbite)

Santa is on a mission to lose ONE POUND in weight and has had Markus, my head elf, build me a tennis court outside the factory. It’s on the icy tundra of the North Pole. Playing tennis in sub-zero temperatures is an entirely different type of extreme sporting experiences.

In a drunken stupor, Santa played tennis for 10 straight hours getting more and more drunk on gin and brandy as the day went on. Even a bastard of a blizzard wouldn’t stop me! Hypothermia and frostbite were setting in, but nothing could stop Santa from mastering the game that is golf.

Oh yeah, by 3pm I was so drunk I thought I was playing golf. Then my right leg was frozen solid so I had Markus, my head elf, move me around as quickly as possible to try and whack the tennis ball back.

Then I insisted we use golf balls instead of tennis balls.

My opponents, Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer and Kenneth the walrus, didn’t like that bit and so cleared off back into the factory. Santa was left batting golf balls over the net to no one in particular… that felt a bit sad, so I called it a day on the sporting stuff.

Santa’s Tennis Elbow Awareness Day

All of which leads me to Tennis Elbow Awareness Day (TEAD). Because I got tennis elbow from that 10 hour session and it really, really was quite annoying. The day after all the tennis stuff, with a nasty bout of frostbite and recovering from the hypothermia, I demanded Markus (my head elf) print of 35,000 TEAD posters to stick around the factory.

Markus, in that pathetic way he has, attempted to plead with me to reduce the number of posters down to 35. I eyeballed the little bastard ferociously.

“Markus…”

“Yes, sir?”

“I’ve warned you about this before, haven’t I, Markus?”

“You have sir, y…”

“AND WHAT IS IT THAT I, SANTA CLAUS, HAVE WARNED YOU ABOUT NOT DOING BEFORE, THEN, MARKUS, WELL?!” This I bellowed mightily at him.

“Not to tell you what to do, sir!”

Thus, 24 hours later after pulling another all-nighter, and Markus had printed off 24,252 posters about Tennis Elbow Awareness Day. Santa had written the message on the poster and this is, right here, what that message did and doth say:

SUBORDINATES TO SANTA CLAUS

TODAY IS TENNIS ELBOW AWARENESS DAY (TEAD). THIS ATROCIOUS AFFLICTION HAS DESTROYED THE LIVES OF MANY VASTLY SUPERIOR RICH BUSINESSMEN AND IT IS ESSENTIAL TO MARK THE OCCASION BY EVERYONE GETTING TENNIS ELBOW IN THERE HONOUR

YOU’RES

SANTA CLAUS

END STATEMENT

As such, Santa then ceased all Christmas 2025 production (even the AI automated bots) and, over the tannoy factory system, demanded all workers go outside into the snow to play tennis until they got tennis elbow.

The Mass Tennis Elbow Crisis at the Santa Factory in 2025

Within 48 hours of my demand, some 90% of my factory workers had succumbed to tennis elbow. This made me very proud. Seeing hundreds of elves, including Markus, out on the snow groaning, uncomfortable, and clutching at their elbows.

Rudolph, out of it on heroin, had come down with tennis antlers. Belligerent, he was challenging anyone and everyone to an antler duel, but the other reindeer had all come down with tennis hooves and so that was that.

Kennneth the walrus had come down with tennis tusks and was not a happy bunny/walrus.

Meanwhile, I’d dragged out all the computer equipment for the AI stuff into the snow so it could also embrace the joys of tennis elbow. Can you believe it? The stupid stuff froze up in the sub-zero temperatures, malfunctioned, and began belching out thick black smoke into the atmosphere.

Then the polar bears saw all this commotion and came on in to investigate. 10 of them.

Now, it turned out the polar bears didn’t want to play tennis. To be honest, it was apparent to Santa they had no earthly concept of what the game was in any capacity. They were more interested in trying to munch down on elves and have off with them for lunch. Santa left them to fend for themselves and waived my duty of care as an employer to provide a safe working environment for the little bastards. Santa’s Law is what I call it!

But then the police turned up in helicopters. A dozen police officers in three helicopters.

It was totally unrelated to the whole Tennis Elbow Awareness Day and was, apparently, to do with my general illegal activities as I’ve documented in these columns over the last 13 years. “Evidence” as the coppers called it.

Problem for the coppers were the polar bears. Something about the police in those blue uniforms made the polar bears think they were seals and man alive, the monsters were in there trying to munch on the police officers lol. Santa thought it was hilarious! Braying with laughter, I slapped a knee and me and Kenneth the walrus had a right good chuckle about things.

Markus cleared away the severed limbs and everything later, despite his tennis elbow.

Overall, it had been a REAL wholesome day and I’ll do it again next year. As I drifted off into drunken unconsciousness again that night, Santa thought to myself, “Tennis elbow is a virtue.”

And it is a virtue. As is gout, of which I’m plagued by.