Last week Santa was mugged by an arctic fox. This week, Santa’s various decades old illegal activities have led to a court order. He’s been ORDERED to send out 500,000 Christmas cards to children in need and other people. As you’ll read forthwith, he handled this all very well.

What’s a Christmas Card FFS!?

When the court order from the UN came in, Santa had to do a doubletake. COMMANDED to write 500,000 Christmas cards… Santa turned to my new wife, Mrs. Claus 2.0, and typed into the AI assistant: “wot iz card of christmas wife woman”. Mrs. Claus 2.0 fired this back at me:

“Darling dreamboat of a husband. A Christmas card is a card for Christmas. Love and kisses.”

That terse response had me wondering she’d gone mental. But it’s because I hadn’t paid the monthly weekly subscription to unlock her Pro features, after that she gets a bit more detailed. So Santa forked out the $300 and she reeled off a goddamn 2,000 word essay.

Santa was suitably pumped up on newfound Christmas card knowledge.

Santa was also not at all happy! I had Markus, my head elf, come into my quarters and I bellowed obscenities at him for half an hour. When I’d finished, red in the face and with drool all over my big beard, Markus asked me a question.

“Sir, we have to complete the Christmas cards otherwise you’ll be fined 35 billion dollars.”

Except that wasn’t a question. But with that $35 billion hanging over me there was nothing else for it. Santa would need a 24/7 shift to get those cards done, so I did the only good and sensible thing. As a business empire genius, Santa is a JOB MAKER. Thus, Santa went out into the community and hired a load of recently released convicts to carry out the card signing duties.

Hiring the Christmas Card Convicts

Santa offered $1 for a day of work. The convicts were delighted by my generosity. And so in they came, via helicopter, each helicopter crash landing in a hellish ball of flames into what has now been classified as the Helicopter Crash Landing Zone. It’s next to factory unit three, where the elves’ cesspit is.

Many of the convicts were immolated in the crash landing, but a solid 37% of them survived. And so, these were the lunatics charged with writing all those lovely Christmas cards for the 500,000 slobbering masses. We had:

• Jeff the Maniac Madman: Convicted of 37 counts of manslaughter in 1983, just released on parole because it turned out he’s innocent, but did have 3,000 unpaid parking tickets, so his 30 year jail stint covered that lot
• Dave the Psychotic SOB: Was sentenced to 20 years in jail for stealing 135 traffic cones
• Maggie the Demented: Jailed for shoplifting nothing but instant noodles
• Hannah the Horrendous: So utterly insane, her list of crimes haven’t been published. But Santa chatted to her, gave her gin, and she revealed she had a big bunch of parking tickets she hadn’t paid. She also once stabbed her boyfriend with a bog brush and he died due to bog brush death

There were others, but Santa’s Pernod drinking frenzy means I can’t really remember any of them.

The Convicts Commence

Santa had Markus ply the convicts with cocaine and energy drinks. Once administered, they became so hyperactive and borderline hysterical Santa had to get Kenneth the walrus gaffer to sellotape them all into chairs. Once they were settled down and stopped wailing so bloody much (thanks to tape over their stupid mouths), they got on with writing.

Keep in kind the Christmas card messages were supposed to be all lovely and nice. The sort of nauseating Christmas spirit garbage Santa well and truly despises. But Markus had serious cause for concern the convicts weren’t writing the sort of well meaning messages the UN had demanded of Santa. He came over to me and handed a Christmas card over that Dave the Psychotic SOB had scrawled out in a frenzy. He was supposed to have written something like “Christmas greetings and yuletide joy!!!!”. Instead, his message read (verbatim):

“MY FAVEOURITE FILM IS HOME ALONE III”

This alarmed us a great deal. Clearly, as we all know, the first Home Alone (1990) is the best one. By some margin! In fact, many believe Home Alone III to be a goddamn awful film. Santa tried watching it once and became so enraged by it I detonated 300lbs of explosives on a patch of snow outside the factory. Santa had to get to the bottom of this! I had Markus bring Dave the Psychotic SOB into my office quarters. He stood there shivering (the convicts work out in the snow, but I do provide them with bobble hats as the bobble bit fends off hypothermia most successfully).

“Dave the Psychotic SOB?”

“Yeah?” He said.

“WHAT IS THIS BULLSHIT ABOUT HOME ALONE III BEING THE BEST FILM OF ALL TIME!? WHY ARE YOU SPREADING THIS PROPAGANDA TO POOR, DEFENCLESS CHILDREN!?” I bellowed with all my might.

He shrugged. SHRUGGED!!!! Santa bellowed some more but, being a convict (and a psychotic one at that), Dave wasn’t afraid of my relentless roaring. Being the genius that I am, Santa was able to realise this and take a new approach. So I had Markus get the film projector set up in my office. The goal? To watch Home Alone and Home Alone III BACK TO BACK and then determine which one it best! To

During watching Home Alone III, Santa threw up 37 times and had a hysterical meltdown. At the end of both viewings, me (Santa), Markus (my head elf), and Dave the Psychotic SOB convened to discuss the two films. The verdicts were in:

• Santa Claus the WILDLY successful business genius: Home Alone
• Markus (my head elf): Home Alone
• Dave the Psychotic SOB: Home Alone III

Dave the Psychotic SOB argued that Home Alone III felt more “pure” and “joyous”. Santa had Markus (my head elf) sent off to see Nurse Doreen. She put him (Dave the Psychotic SOB ) into a emergency medically induced coma and hooked him up to a drip of instant noodle juice and Monster energy drinks.

As for the rest of the convicts, they WORKED THEMSELVES TO DEATH!

On the plus side, 1,354 Christmas cards were completed during that time. A wee bit short of the 500,000 required, but I had Markus photocopy the 1,354 and, hey presto, before long there were 500,000 Christmas cards making their way around the world.

It was only later that night, when drunk, Santa realised only 7% of the Christmas 2025 toy quota had been fulfilled.

To take the edge off the panic, Santa got wasted on Lambrini. Lambrini girls just want to have fun.