On the Origin of Species (1859) is Charles Darwin’s book about animals and stuff. It’s dead good. However, did you know there’s also On the Origin of Spectacles? Written by famous glasses enthusiast Dr. Andrew “Speccy” Spartacus, it’s a fascinating insight into the world of spectacles.

First published in 1982, however, and sadly, it emerged in 1986 that Dr. Spartacus was a massive fraud and was only actually ever a mere dentist. Not the spectacles expert whom he claimed to be.

As such, On the Origin of Spectacles is noted as one of the greatest, most heinous crimes in all of literature. Let us explore how such a repugnant form of writing could ever come to be.

Theories on Glasses and Other Science Stuff in On the Origin of Spectacles

“But Natural Spectacles, as we shall hereafter see, is a power incessantly ready for action, and is immeasurably superior to man’s feeble efforts, as the works of Glasses are to those of Contact Lenses.”

This 1,000 page ode to wearing glasses is part historical record, part obnoxious and pretentious ramble from someone with a very big chip of their, respective, shoulder.

Dr. Spartacus rants for the first 30,000 words about why spectacles wearers are “vastly superior” to those whom “choose not to wear” glasses. He calls these individuals “subhuman scum”, gets very angry, and spends half of page 52 in chapter 3 (Why People Who Don’t Wear Glasses Are Inherently Vile) having a belligerent, profanity-laden diatribe.

Once he’s calmed down, Dr. Spartacus continues his academic tone, and also liberally steals entire chapters from Darwin’s work when he runs out of his own ideas. As so:

“To conclude, therefore, let no man out of a weak conceit of sobriety, or an ill-applied moderation, think or maintain, that a man can search too far or be too well studied in the book of God’s word, or in the book of God’s works; divinity or philosophy; but rather let men endeavour an endless progress or proficience in both. Spectacles.”

The only difference from Darwin’s words there are Dr. Spartacus’ inclusion of a glasses reference right at the end. Whilst blatant plagiarism, it’s also quite clever (when you think about it).

Despite that, the book is a dreary and monotonous read. The writer doesn’t have a clear argument and sporadically has enraged temper tantrums, often accusing the reader of being “subhuman scum” and ending the work with this chapter heading: TIME FOR A GLASSES-BASED REVOLUTION.

In this 100 page rant, he goes berserk and demands spectacles wearers “congregate” in London, storm parliament, overthrow the monarchy, and place at the helm of English rule:

“The most esteemed optician in the land!”

Dr. Spartacus then claims he, himself, be the most esteemed optician in the land. The book ends with him effing and blinding at the reader and society in general.

The Writer’s Exposure of Fraud as a Dentist

In 1986, the FBS (Federal Bureau of Spectacles) released a damning 37,000 page report on Dr. Spartacus’ lies, corruption, sleaze, and more lies.

He was no optician or glasses enthusiast at all. He was a no good lying SOB! A dentist, and not a very good one either, who was living in denial over how he’d rejected one career over another.

Dr. Spartacus paid for his crimes.

He was sentenced to 135 years of community service, was banned from ever being an optician, and banned from being a dentist, subsequently forcing him to become an estate agent.

In that industry he excelled, amassed a small fortune, and retired a rich man. However, he continues with the community service to this day. Let this be a lesson to all of you!