Hi there, Maureen here. I’ve got some major anger management issues and will often be reduced to a hysterical, screaming mess of swearing, spitting, and occasional physical assault.
I’m available for hire 24/7 if you need me to make a scene, which ideally works to distract from other things in your life. Such as if you’re a business about to make a load of people redundant and you want to deliver the news, then distract from its real meaning.
That’s when I do my thing. I make a scene, spittle flying everything, then I foul myself, and you can bask in the knowledge I’ll be the certain of attention. I’m available for hire today! Call now for a COMPLETELY FREE consultation.
Maureen’s Meltdowns: The Ideal Way to Bury Bad News
Hi again! Congratulations on making it through to the second phase of this marketing campaign. I must admit, I’ve not really got much else to say, I made my pitch in the opening three paragraphs.
What I can do is cover some of the inconsolable fits of rage I specialise in:
- Seeing red (hot rage): Yelling, throwing objects, screaming, flushed face, likely to be wielding a scary object such as a chair or a chainsaw.
- Covert meltdown (ice rage): Haughty gaze and vibe of “I am not yelling, this is why I am terrifying” as dead silence and a rigid posture make you run for the hills.
- Passive-aggressive rage: Caustic remarks and general snark, with a withering condescension, backhanded compliments, and heavy sighing galore.
- White hot rage (Premium Package): The premium choice for rich people. With this one, I well and truly lose my shit (assisted by taking a bunch of steroids beforehand). I cannot be held responsible for whatever happens after you’ve purchased this option, but it can result in entire towns being razed.
I charge £100 an hour for the service, with £1,000 an hour for the Premium Package. If you’re wondering why I’m so angry all the time, it’s because this guy said I looked “quite fat” in a beach selfie I uploaded to Instagram… it’s not on. And this is my revenge.
Enraged Customer Testimonials
Discover what my unhappy customers have to say about Maureen’s maddening moments of madness.
“My parents were about to ask why I’m 35 and don’t have kids yet. Maureen’s Meltdowns saved the day! She arrived wielding a revving chainsaw just in the nick of time, busted through our front door, and spent the next 37 minutes screaming sweet bloody murder. My parents forgot about the childlessness issue for a whole week!!” Laura from Bolton of Greater Manchester
“The wife we’re getting on my nerve with her NAGGING so me went and did and ordered maurices melt downs. an woman turned up… bit woke that but id paid me money so went along with it. maurice where screaming and we’re ripping up carpets and furniture. wife went ball istec it we’re ded funny lol but now she wants an Daveorce and im sad” Dave from Bolton of Greater Manchester
“My employees physically disgust me due to their pathetic laziness, so I hired Maureen’s Meltdowns to scare some sense into them. She arrived at lunch on Friday covered in cow manure, half naked, and she started roaring and attacking my staff. I clapped along as she did so and encouraged the assaults, reminding my wretched members of staff they had KPIs to meet by eventide. I am now facing multiple constructive dismissal claims and various employment tribunals.” Rupert from Bolton of Greater Manchester
“It were Friday night and I’d had one too many. Went to order a pizza, accidentally ordered Maureen’s Meltdowns. She didn’t bring a pizza but she did bring a bad of cement and hurled it through me living room window. Cement dust went bloody everywhere! Never again. not using this service me.” Laura from Bolton of Greater Manchester
