There comes a time for any employer when fake plants at work won’t cut it anymore. Instead, you’ll need to fork out and buy a real plant or two.
Such a horrific development may seem like an act of Communism, but the reality is office plants can be a fantastic aid for productivity. This EXPERT business guide will provide you with all the insights you need, from where to install your plants and how often to water them with petrol.
An Employer’s Guide to Office Plants
The Office Plants at Work Act 1974 legislates this matter. The Act was written with assistance from a gardener as part of a Corporate Canopy Initiative instigated by the government of the time. The Act is extremely aggressive in its wording, warning employers/employees of the potential mayhem that could occur if botanical behaviours aren’t respected.
On page 1,341 in section 137 (z) of said Act, said Act states:
“Office plants at work are no laughing matter. Any employee whom laughs at a plant in the office should be prosecuted to the full extent of employment law. This means a disciplinary hearing, pay cut, and/or violent punch to the gut (if necessary).”
As such, it’s good business practice to initiate a BYOP (Bring Your Own Photosynthesis) policy. This way, you can deduct from employees, respective, wages due to their nearness to your office plants.
As in, their breathing of the air the plant makes is a drain on your business resources, so you must fund that drain and ensure you can maintain the pot plant(s).
Hiring a Landscape Gardener for Your Office Plants
It’s good business practice to hire a landscape gardener to assist with your office plants. These new employees (one or more) can manage daily duties such as:
- Watering
- Maintenance
- Violently enforcing The Office Plants at Work Act 1974 legislation
In-office landscape gardeners are, typically, heavily armed. Most will have at least one bazooka on their person. Whilst this may appear unnecessarily dangerous, it is simply to ensure no employees cause any problems around your pot plants. For under The Office Plants at Work Act 1974, once you have an office plant it is more important than any human life.
As such, it’s essential you establish non-compost employment contract clauses.
This will prevent employees from bringing compost into your business environment, which may (or may not); or otherwise; disrupt the natural state of your newfound office greenery.
Botanical Conduct Guidelines: A Checklist
It’s vital to your long-term business success that members of staff know how to interact with office plants. This is why you must invest at least £3 million into company-wide training for how employees must behave around your array of office plants.
Under The Office Plants at Work Act 1974, this investment is mandatory.
You may also wish to add into modernised policies as The Office Plants at Work Act 1974 is over 50 years old. For example, implementing draconian policies regarding video call meetings and any plants seen in the background. If any have cobwebs or haven’t been watered, your business must come down on the person responsible like a tonne of bricks.
Vital to this is establishing a Hierarchy of Greenery (HOG). This policy will ensure an extensive, excessively complicated series of plants will be distributed to staff members with differing levels of status. For example:
- The CEO will receive a 200-year-old Bonsai tree
- Middle management will have a hedge in the car park
- Interns/entry level roles will receive a solitary pot plant
With HOG established, you must also ensure to avoid an aggressive vine creeping problem in your business. As in, vines creeping across the workplace. This can be a health and safety issues, with 37,310 employees injured or murdered in 2025 due to office plants and/or vines.
Wilting is another hellish problem to avoid, which is why your team of landscape gardeners should be on-site 24/7 to ensure all greenery NEVER wilts. Wilting is the first sign of Communism and a certain indicator your business has taken a turn for the demonic.
A World of Cement and Concrete
If your businesses wishes to cut costs and maintain a bleak, sterile working environment then you can choose to skip on office plants.
This may be “depressing” for employees, however, so consider at least putting a picture up of a plant and/or lush countryside in the office. But keep in mind this is legislated by The Putting Up Pictures of Plants (and/or the Countryside) in the Office Act 1974. The Act stipulates that if you do put any such pictures up, you must (under employment law) hire a janitor to dust the picture.
If you do not wish to have this responsibility, you can simply not put any pictures up.
But do keep in mind employees may find this “depressing” (as previously indicated). To boost morale, you could consider giving everyone a pay rise. Yet as this is Communism, instead throw a weekly £50 pizza party at work to clog the arteries of the employees working for you (and, thus, giving them something else to complain about away from plants).
