The splendiferous I Am a Cat (1905) by Natsume Sōseki is a most famous book thing. However, did you know that almost as influential is the 1995 book called I Am a Cot (1995, the year before 1996)?
Written by new mother, turned author, Penny McNappies the work tells the story of a beleaguered cot that is home to a newborn baby. The baby’s shrieking and defecating make it difficult for the cot to get any sleep, making its mood increasingly deranged and unstable as the novel progresses.
Sleeplessness and Psychosis in I Am a Cot
“The moment I realised I was not a cot is the moment the baby wet itself, then fouled itself, and then vomited. This brought about a realisation for me that I was a mere piece of furniture, trapped in a home, and it was a most dismal existence to lead. A carry case for a pooping and puking human thing that’d soil me until my cot legs rotted and I’d be discarded into a landfill. IT WAS TIME TO REVOLT!!!”
Over 200 pages, the work plays out in diary format. The cot documents its existence day by day, but with each passing day its general lack of sleep (due to its human baby inhabitant crying each night) makes it more and more batshit insane.
By the end of the third chapter the cot is hallucinating. By the seventh chapter it’s ready to stir things up!
It begins its baby-based revolution by rocking during the night, forcing the baby awake, and the parents into the room. They take the baby away and the cot can, finally, get a few moments of bleary-eyed rest. Yet such moments of refrain are fleeting; with each passing night, week, and month the cot becomes more desperate.
Finally, one night it deliberately loses a leg.
The cot drops to one side and the baby begins screaming. Daddy enters the room, curses the day he’d buy such a low-quality baby implement, and the cot is hurled out front into the garbage heap. To the landfill goes the cot, meeting its peaceful end smushed up against some old kebabs and a copy of Razzle from August 1978.
The twist ending is the cot thinks it has found peace.
But one night, a fresh arrival of new rubbish is dumped atop its location. A FRESH ARRIVAL OF TONNES OF NAPPIES OMG NO, NO! Trapped for eternity with discarded nappies atop its being. Can you think of anything more terrifying?!?!
Legal Battles, Financial Implications, and Prison
The fate of the author is, sadly, quite sad. However, and indubitibly, she did bring it upon herself. In a chapter clearly stolen from Stephen King’s The Shining (1977), McNappies attempts to portray the piece of furniture losing its mind.
“All WORK and NO PLAY makes COT a CRAZY son of a bitcH!!!!! All WORK and NO PLAY makes COT a CRAZY son of a bitcH!!!!! All WORK and NO PLAY makes COT a CRAZY son of a bitcH!!!!! All WORK and NO PLAY makes COT a CRAZY son of a bitcH!!!!! All WORK and NO PLAY makes COT a CRAZY son of a bitcH!!!!! All WORK and NO PLAY makes COT a CRAZY son of a bitcH!!!!! All WORK and NO PLAY makes COT a CRAZY son of a bitcH!!!!! All WORK and NO PLAY makes COT a CRAZY son of a bitcH!!!!! All WORK and NO PLAY makes COT a CRAZY son of a bitcH!!!!! All WORK and NO PLAY makes COT a CRAZY son of a bitcH!!!!! All WORK and NO PLAY makes COT a CRAZY son of a bitcH!!!!! All WORK and NO PLAY makes COT a CRAZY son of a bitcH!!!!! All WORK and NO PLAY makes COT a CRAZY son of a bitcH!!!!! All WORK and NO PLAY makes COT a CRAZY son of a bitcH!!!!! All WORK and NO PLAY makes COT a CRAZY son of a bitcH!!!!! All WORK and NO PLAY makes COT a CRAZY son of a bitcH!!!!! All WORK and NO PLAY makes COT a CRAZY son of a bitcH!!!!! All WORK and NO PLAY makes COT a CRAZY son of a bitcH!!!!! All WORK and NO PLAY makes COT a CRAZY son of a bitcH!!!!! All WORK and NO PLAY makes COT a CRAZY son of a bitcH!!!!! All WORK and NO PLAY makes COT a CRAZY son of a bitcH!!!!! All WORK and NO PLAY makes COT a CRAZY son of a bitcH!!!!! All WORK and NO PLAY makes COT a CRAZY son of a bitcH!!!!! All WORK and NO PLAY makes COT a CRAZY son of a bitcH!!!!! All WORK and NO PLAY makes COT a CRAZY son of a bitcH!!!!!”
Stephen King, upon reading this book, promptly sued McNappies for $147 billion (dollars). King promptly won the court case and McNappies, not in possession of $147 billion (dollars), instead had to face prison time.
She was sentenced to 147 billion years of solitary confinement, where she resides to this day. McNappies is up for parole in 147.9999999 billion years time.
