As reported yesterday in the Geezer Guide to UK heatwaves, we have a heatwave in the UK. As near 30 degree Celsius heat boils the nation, electricity lines are failing and communication will return to pigeon mail and telegrams.
Whilst there is no need to panic, there is also every need to panic.
Do whatever it takes to survive: ram-raid an off-licence for ice packs, go for a swim in a canal, or walk around in those man shorts that normally would be the fashion death sentence of you. WE SHALL PREVAIL, BLIGHTY! For we have made it through worse…
Closed for Annual Heatwave Theatrics
The Professional Moron team has spent the morning of 23/06/2026 in a state of total hysterics. No work has been completed and we’ve even resorted to writing sentences in passive voice, such is the delirious onset of heatstroke.
Manchester is baking. Google has issued a severe high temperature warning (see above the above paragraph).
Weathermen on TV wearing flamboyant shirts with nice hair are pointing at weather screens and mansplaining at us we’re about to die.
We’re not being dramatic when we say this is the most extreme weather ever seen in the history of the Earth. It’s as if Blighty is being punished for the dissolution of the British Empire.
We have written a poem to the gods in the hope they have mercy on us here in Great Britain. This is the, aforementioned, poem:
Oh my god it is hot,
Bloody damn blast and drat,
I just trod in a cow pat.
Stay safe out there, British citizens, and keep in mind we can pull through this simply by blaming the heatwave on immigrants.
