Okay, we don’t get much sun  in England. From October to May it’s cold, rainy, and/or overcast most of the time (and that’s how we like it). Then, suddenly, the heat kicks in and we’ve got a summer.

That lasts from around mid-June to late September with military precision.

And it’s fair to say many Brits aren’t all prepared for the sudden onset of heat, lost their shit a bit, embarrass themselves, and turn the nation into a part-time Barbados experience. Slap on the suntan lotion, this is how it does down.

🌞 How to Participate in a British Heatwave 🌞

It’s essential you realise the British heatwave constitutes about 31°C (87.8°F), which for other areas of the world may seem pathetic. Americans, for instance, will think that’s ridiculous. And it probably is. However, and indubitably, the British heatwave at once represents a:

• Holiday whilst at home (staycation)
• Full blown national crisis
• Cultural phenomenon

All-in-one! Thus, society grinds to a halt (buses, trains etc. stop working), people get hot and sweaty, but also it’s a time for celebration because it’s dead hot and that’s like being in Ibiza, mate.

Geezerdom: Homo Britannicus Scorchio

There’s a specific subsect of the British male known as geezers whom enjoy drinking beer, watching football, and reading the tabloids. Whilst classed as geezers, the official Latin term is Homo Britannicus Scorchio. During any heatwave, they’re heavily sunburned and half drunk.

To fit in with the these geezers, there are five core steps you must follow:

1. Be utterly delusional and detached in your sense of self
2. No matter where you are, rip your top off at the slightest hint of sunshine
   1. Combine with flip-flops for the ultimate experience
3. Don’t bother with suntan lotion, that’s woke
4. Sunburn is incredibly attractive, so get it and then hit on hot birds
5. Bellow annoying Oasis songs (mainly Wonderwall) in a blokey voice

Starting a fight with anyone and everyone is also a splendid way of adopting our welcoming British geezer customs.

How to Approach Your British Shopping Experience in a Tesco During a Heatwave

A massive part of the British heatwave experience is heading into Tesco (a supermarket chain here) with your top off whilst reeking of body odour.

Once it gets hot, Homo Britannicus Scorchio congregate at Tesco in droves.

You’ll meet many of them called Bozzer (sometimes Bazza) wandering around the frozen peas aisle. They’re looking for the beer aisle, but are now hopelessly lost, and it’s only a matter of time before they start getting angry. Keep your distance and hope for the best.

Keep an eye out for stap sunburn marks on these individuals, indicating clearly where there vest and/or bag has been hugging their figure. Whilst still convinced they’re incredibly attractive to members of the opposite sex, they’ll also going around muttering the immortal line:

“Hot one out there today, innit mate?”

To note, other Brits will loiter on the refrigerator aisles as we don’t have air conditioning fitted in our homes. Why? As the cost is pointless when it’s cold for eight months of the year. Even though our homes are designed to keep heat in.

It’s Also the Collapse of Civilisation

Embrace the chaos. Hot weather means public transport grinds to a halt, with privatised British rail services built for 10 degree drizzly days.

Train lines will buckle, everything will break, and you’ll need to use a replacement bus service to get to and from work.

Complementing this disaster? Brits complaining about how hot it is, when for the rest of the year they’ve complained about it not being sunny.

Also, please note, the replacement bus service will be packed with Homo Britannicus Scorchio in a general state of disarray. Rather than use critical thinking to identify they’re to blame for all this (as they voted for Thatcher’s privatisation policies), they’ll huff and wheeze about how immigrants and The Woke Mob have ruined society.

Within 24 hours, at least 70% of them will be admitted to hospital for heatstroke.