Husband! So, the worst has happened. You suspect your wife is a communist. Once you’ve overcome the initial mortal blow, you’ve reasoned with God and pleaded for forgiveness, then it’s time to Confront the Missus.
Today’s poor SOB is plotting for the final step. How does one, as a fine upstanding capitalist, deal with Satan? Well, it takes nerves of steel and the cunning of 100 Jeff Bezoses, but you can do it with our help (Agony Aunt Experts since 2016, loser of Agony Aunt of the Year Award since 2016).
Is My Wife a Rabid Communist?
Dear agony auny,
Yesterday… everything seemed normal. I got home from work, had a few beers, ate bangers and mash, then sat and watched GB News while belching. The wife then got home from work (she’s one of them “working mums” I know smh) with, and get this… A COPY OF THE TIMES NEWSPAPER.
Can you imagine the terror what struck down my spine? I near shat myself.
There was only one thing for it. I leapt up from the sofa, turned GB News up to maximum volume, hobbled over to the missus, grabbed The Times from her, and rushed out into the back garden. There I BURNED it into oblivion! Tipped petrol over it, set it alight, danced The Capitalist Dance around it while half naked stripped down to me undies and chanting “IF YOU’RE POOR YOU SHOULD WORK HARDER!” over and over.
Neighbours gave me some odd looks and one called the cops on me. Cops turned up and asked what were going on. I explained the situation and the coppers immediately arrested the missus and took her down to the station for 48 hours of questioning. When she came back she were angry, pale, but STILL A COMMUNIST because she’d bought a copy of The Independent!
Did the same thing, burned it in the back garden, war dance etc. Instead of calling the pigs, I confronted her.
“Is you a communist, woman!?”
“What? I’m just reading the news!”
“THE COMMUNIST NEWS, WOMAN!”
I then forced her to watch two hours straight of GB News and, in particular, its Woke Watch segment. I kept a beady eye on here to see if she’d flinch. After two hours, she was noticeably much more right-wing (for example, she hadn’t bought any communist newspapers in that time).
But still, I couldn’t sleep that night. I lay awake all night wondering if I were sharing a bed with a commie. Could this be true? Will our kids be communists, too?! Am I being punished for watching The Odyssey at IMAX in 70MM and enjoying it but now this is revenge by God for me being woke?
Help me! My life is at a terrifying crossroads…
Cheers mate,
Danny
Hi there, Danny. There are 13 tell-tale signs if your spouse is a communist, so you should check your wife’s behaviour against the below:
- Is constantly talking about Russia
- Wants to move to Russia
- Is learning to speak Russian
- Claims the means of production should be owned by workers
- Buys newspapers such as The Times, The Independent, or reads Buzzfeed
- Nails posters of Rasputin up around your property
- Has a copy of The Communist Manifesto in the drawer by the bed
- Likes drinking vodka
- Eats nothing but fermented foods and/or sourdough
- Often watches WWII films
- Votes left-wing
- Doesn’t shop at Amazon
- Explicitly states, “I am a communist.”
If your partner scores over three on that list, then they’re a communist. Your course of action is to then either divorce your partner, or set your property on fire and flee to higher ground. Best of luck, Danny.
