Some human males enjoying mowing their lawns. However, in these dark, dark, dark days of everyone getting offended by everything and you can’t say anything no more, one’s lawn becomes a crucial act of defiance. A noble, chauvinistic, dominant display that democracy will prevail and communism won’t ruin your lawn(s).
As documented by today’s human female, whom is a FEMINIST (!!!!!!!!!!!) and thinks her husband is going a bit “over the top”.
Thankfully, Professional Moron is here to set things straight and ensure this brave, noble, mature man bloke can continue mowing his lawn right down to the mud.
The Masculine Drive to Express Alpha Male Macho Qualities in a Lawn
Dear agony aunt,
My husband Frank, who is 52 and has a big beer belly he’s very proud of, has recently joined a cutting cult called The Skinhead Lawn Chauvinistic Movement (TSLCM). He didn’t used to like having to mow our lawn, but over the last few years he’s got quite psychotically obsessed about it.
Mainly because of TSLCM, that he’s been a member of for the last three years. There are three core manifesto points of this “alpha male” lawn mowing community. To be a member you MUST:
- Be an alpha male.
- Mow your lawn right down to the “scalp” (mud) as a skinhead does with their head.
- Vandalise any neighbouring gardens that are WOKE and don’t follow the pure, true form of lawn mowing that is TSLCM.
Frank believes that by mowing his lawn like this he can “save freedom of speech”, “end wokeness”, and “have the best lawn in Great Britain”.
Well, the garden gets mowed 13 times a week and is shredded down and it’s like Frank is excavating the bloody thing. There’s a crater developing where he’s forcing the mower into the earth and there are clumps of grass and mud everywhere. There’s barely any “normal” grass to speak of. The lawn looks like a bomb has landed on it, but apparently under the rules of TSLCM this amounts to an “extraordinary” garden of alpha male excellence. Frank is very smug about it.
He dug so deep he ended up finding an unexploded bomb from WWII. He didn’t tell the authorities. He keeps it in his man cave as his pride and joy. I’m now constantly paranoid it’ll blow up!
Worse still, Frank keeps vandalising gardens that don’t follow the tenets of The Skinhead Lawn Chauvinistic Movement. I’ve had to go round and apologise to 18 of our neighbours, but they’ve had enough and reported Frank to the police.
When the police arrived at our home they were alarmed by the state of our front garden.
When questioned about what was going on, Frank barricaded himself into our loft. Then he clambered out onto our roof (he’s not in great shape, this sort of stuff is bad for his blood pressure) and he’s up there now with an England flag he’s waving around while bellowing God Save the Queen (he’s forgotten we have a King now) and demanding communism be “ended” and he’ll then come down peacefully.
The police officers are currently discussing the best course of action. They’ve asked me if it’s okay to shoot him down with an animal tranquiliser.
What should I do?
Yours,
Sandra
Hi there, Sandra! In situations like this it’s best to take some time relaxing in your lovely garden to mull things over. But as your husband has destroyed your gardens, that is not possible.
Thus, our suggestion to you is this—no suggestion.
We can’t help you on this one, love, dig yourself out of your own hole. You married the SOB.
