AHEM! If you’ve got the lurgy and want to put your illness to the test, then the FANTASTIC news is The International Whooping Cough Festival 2025 kicks off in August!
It’s a competition to celebrate the very best disturbing coughs, with the LOUDEST and most GUTTURAL set to establish the lucky winner as King of the Whooping Cough 2025.
OPEN TODAY! Applications for the International Hacking Cough Festival 2025
To attend this festival you must have an appalling whooping cough. That is the only criteria. However, there are also other criteria. These include:
- Entrants MUST be over the age of 18
- Entrants MUST have a whooping cough
- Entrants MUST pay an entry fee of £100
- Entrants MUST not be under the influence of alcohol or drugs (unless it’s a Lemsip)
Please note, entrants with a mere common cold, malaria, scurvy, typhus, yellow fever, or gout, WILL NOT be allowed entrance into the premises.
Attempts to gain access to the festival illegally will result in being shot dead.
Festival Itinerary of Events
Participants must arrive at the event venue in Bolton of Greater Manchester at 9am on 3rd July 2025. The event is taking place in a giant field so as not to infect the local populace with whooping coughs.
The itinerary of events for the day is as follows:
- Participants arrive
- Participants are strip searched to ensure no one is stashing performance enhancing drugs
- Participants must declare themselves legally unfit to participate
- Participants must provide a doctor’s note to support their declaration in point 3
- Participants had into the big field to await their turn
Each participant will have a five minute allotted session to perform their whooping cough. Their performance will be judged on:
- Loudness
- Hacking noises
- Bulging eyeballs
- Red face
- Wince-inducing concern for the cougher
The winner of the event will receive a lifetime supply of Lemsip and a bottle of cheap paracetamol.
Disclaimer: Both men and women are allowed to participate in the event. Please note, due to legal reasons, women are discouraged from participating as this event is run by a bunch of sexist wankers. Additionally, participants participate with the knowledge participation may prove fatal. In the event of death, the participator’s corpse will be dragged to the entrance of the venue and left in the street for the binmen to take care of.
Case Study: The Glorious Winner of The International Whooping Cough Festival 2024
“Hi there, I’m Bozzer, but you can call me Bozz! I did me bit for the community last year and went and got meself whooping cough, scurvy, and rabies. I were in a delirious state during the event and only got through it all by drinking whiskey neat from the bloody bottle.
But me hacking cough were strong, pure, and true! Everyone who bloody saw it had tears POURING down their bloody British patriotic faces! GROWN MEN battle hardened by years of reading The Daily Express WEPT in that field and it were the most moving event I’ve ever witnessed in me entire 33 years.
Since I won the competition it’s changed me life, it has. I’ve had news articles about me in Daily Express. Everywhere I go I’m a folk hero! They shout at me in joy from across the street, “THERE’S THAT DICKHEAD WHAT COUGHS LIKE AN INJURED SEAL!” Downside is they think I’m a performing monkey, but me whooping cough days is over, they is, me. I’m not doing that no more, me, nearly ripped bloody lungs from me body because of that 2024 event. But it were worth it! Back home is packed with Lemsip. I drink it everyday. It cured me scurvy!”
