After the dismal failure of Frankenstein 2, now incarcerated author Henry Dermott penned a different Frankenstein-based work (prior to his being sent to prison).

With his insipid sense of non-imagination, he had Frankenstain; or, The Modern Polisher published in 1999. A work highlighting his OCD intent on stain removal, the 1,001 page work is a rambling ode to cleaning up after yourself. Hurray? Nae.

Monsters Mopping the Floors in Frankenstain

“How mutable are our feelings and how strange is that cleaning love we have of life even in the excess of mopping!”

Where Frankenstain goes wrong is with its efforts to be taken seriously. There’s very little self-aware humour on display in the prose, instead there’s a berserk commitment to the art of cleaning.

Especially with mopping. Dermott is obsessed with mopping. There are 17 chapters in this 1,001 page work dedicated to mopping.

“I have mops in me the likes of which you can scarcely imagine and rage the likes of which you would not mop. If I cannot satisfy the mop, I will indulge the other.”

Literary scholar Lord Sebastian Dame Henrick III of Kent has postulated that “the other” is likely a vacuum cleaner. In his essay On Mopping: The World of Mops in Sophisticated Fiction the Lord notes:

“Not that one has ever held a mop for one has servants for such grotesque duties befitting lowly members of society; yet the mop holds place even in the most loftiest of mansions. Such as one’s own; with many acres of land surrounding; one must have thine floors mopped sparkling. For within the sparkle lays dormant the spirit of sophistication and success; not like the vacuum cleaner nor hoover. Only plebs of the lowliest order debase themselves with the whirring machinations of Satanic hoovers and/or vacuum cleaners*.”

As for the * denotation, Lord Dame Henrick III leaves an annotation marking that he spat on his own essay in disgust so as to denote his detestation of hoovers/vacuum cleaners.

Conversely, Frankenstain rarely mentions such cleaning implements. The author’s obsession with the Frankenstein monster mopping floors, whilst grunting “Me mop floor!” into oblivion, rules all. There’s even a chapter dedicated to gangsta raps Frankenstain busts out whilst performing his cleaning duties. Here’s one such example:

Me mop floor,
Then gonna repair da door,
Cos me love chores,
Uh huh, yeah, mofo.

All of which ensures the novel is unbelievably boring and vapid.

Imagine one of your favourite novels being corrupted like this, as if Peter Benchley’s Jaws could function if the shark had a penchant for tooth flossing.

As a literary device it does not work and, sadly, we must consign Frankanstain to the bargain bin basement of crap ideas, crap novels, crap badness.

Author Dermott’s Plans for a Jaws-Based Tooth Floss Spin-Off

The writer of the Frankenstain abomination resides in prison. However, after contacting him about this work, Professional Moron accidentally spurred him on toward new creative endeavours.

The result is he plans to release a new version of Peter Benchley’s book Jaws. Dermott told us:

“Yes. Yes! YES! It’ll be called Jaws: Just When You Thought It Was Safe to Floss Your Teeth Again and it’ll have the shark in it, a great white, and his companion Gerald the Goldfish. Those two evil bastards will be going around, stealing tooth floss from ocean liners and swanky cruises, ruining the lives of entitled humans! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAaaaa!!”

We later came to understand that, due to his passionate outburst over the phone, prison guards sentenced Dermott to 27 years in solitary confinement. As such, it’s unlikely the Jaws spin-off thing will ever appear. So, you’re not gonna need a bigger boat on this one.