Following social etiquette at work is vital, even if you’re a raging psychopath. However, even the most dazzling of alpha males will, from time to time, lose control of their bodily functions. This is the sad result of feminism.
Today’s human male is labouring under a crisis of ego, one brought about by the feminist agenda of not stopping him from letting one rip in the office on Monday after lunch. The shame. The shame….
When a Man Loses Control of His Bodily Functions at Work
Dear agony aunt,
I am an alpha male. At least… I was an alpha male until Monday yesterday after lunch, when the burrito caught me out and I disgraced myself in front of the whole office. It was loud, long, and foul-smelling. I’m so ashamed I can’t even bring myself to type the dreaded word of what happened to me.
Moments after the incident, and after blaming it on feminists, I tried to continue with my work. Alas, The Woke Mob wouldn’t let me. Women AND my supposed brothers in kind (men) lined up with cruel, cruel jokes and jibes about what had happened.
They did not hold back…
Their cruel agenda was to emasculate me.
I’m ashamed to admit they BROKE me. By 2pm I was so distressed I called The Samaritans hotline. Some feminist hippy chick took my call and LAUGHED… LAUGHED in my face when I told her what happened. Enraged, I hung up on the second class citizen and suffered my biggest masculine crisis since that time Jenny from accounts (in my last job) turned me down for a date citing her existing boyfriend as the reason for the rejection. “Babe!” I grunted in manliness, “Whether you’re married, boyfriended, or whatever, you don’t miss the chance to date an alpha.” Then I smacked her butt playfully and that’s when there was the whole sexual harassment disciplinary hearing and all that woke stuff. Got myself sacked under the Equality Act 2010 and now here I am, farting in the new business when I’m only 3 months into the job. How is a man supposed to thrive in a world not built around my needs!?!
You bet your arse I didn’t cry! Although I did a little when I got home later, just not when in the office. I jutted out my jawline and powered through the rest of the day, achieving excellent productivity, and sending many emails without typos, all while the cruel, cruel jibes of raspberry blowing noises and “Lighten up, Jonathan!” rained down on my sorry, sordid existence.
That… is professionalism.
And since you’re called Professional Maroon, you clearly know a thing or two about alpha males, being marooned in a far-left communist society, and how to break free from this horrifying reality.
Yours,
Jonathan (with an a, not an “o” or an “e”)
Hi there, Jonethon! That sounds very embarrassing. Humiliating, even. Shit! The best course of action is to drink a litre of laxative-laden water/cocktail/energy drink prior to work. This way, you can effectively purge your system each and everyday.
You’ll never suffer from unfortunate bodily functions in work again! Except for that initial purge… but then after that, you’ll be golden (brown)! Double thumbs up, matey. 👍
