Horseplay at work refers to the practice of allowing horses to play in your working environment. Whilst this can be fantastic fun for the horses involved, it can lead to total anarchy in working environments.
It’s your duty of care as an employer to remember that allowing animals to go ballistic on your premises can be viewed unfavourably by employment laws. As such, it’s good business practice to at least half-arse your way through reading this business guide before letting those bastards loose (and to Hell with the consequences).
Workplace Horseplay Employment Laws to Stare at and Nod Along to
The Horseplay at Work Act 1974 is the legislation behind this legislative matter. The Act covers ground across the Act, for the, aforementioned, Act is designed to, therefore, document what the Act, as previously indicated, documents. On page 137 of the 48,000 page Act, the Act states:
“Horses are allowed to play in a working environment any employer deems to be suitable for a horse (for example, in a large office etc.). The employer should make sure to have top horse treats available, such as Stud Muffins, NAF Minty Treats, sugar cubes, and herb-based foodstuffs to ensure the animals are well fed …
If the horse(s) defecate on the employer’s property, the employer should choose an employee at random to get down on their hands and knees, scoop up the aforementioned defecation, and transport it to the nearest wastebin.”
It’s good business practice to play the Black Beauty theme music at the loudest humanly possible volume whilst the animals canter around your workplace with wild abandon.
Do note, horses (unlike pizza at work) have little-to-no understand of human hierarchy structures, office etiquette, or health and safety legislation. This may lead to them trampling over hapless employees whom are busy trying to work (which never happens due to pizza parties at work).
Should this occur, be sure to dock the wages of affected members of staff and have them work overtime once their shattered limbs heal and they return to work. Also, please do not feed the horse any pizza.
Neigh and Other Horse-Based Noises
Complementing their destructive potential, horses can be very bloody noisy. Based on long-standing onomatopoeia standards under English, the term “neigh” designates 90% of noises this type of animal creates. However, they can also:
- Snort
- Blow
- Groan
- Grunt
- Nicker
- Roar
- Scream
- Sigh
- Whinny
Staff members should familiarise themselves with this range of sounds. For they animals can be excessively dramatic and, within that drama, you should lecture your staff about not overreacting to things (such as refusing to discuss salary reviews and/or making sweeping redundancies following record profit growth).
How to Maintain Health and Safety Standards Due to Horse Kicks
The capacity for the beast’s hind legs to kick out violently is noteworthy. It’s good business practice to avoid being being kicked in this manner, for it can result in:
- Instant death
- Severe agony
Remember, an employee in agony is an unproductive employee.
As such, instruct your members of staff to steer clear of the in-work horses’ back legs at all times. You should also get them to sign legal waivers to ensure they understand that if their legs are shattered, it’s their own fault, not the employer’s.
To achieve this goal, feel free to use blackmail and or verbal/physical threats. For example, by grabbing them by the scruff of the neck and shouting, “Unless you sign this legal waiver, I’m going to send some heavies round your house to tear up your flower patch!” etc.
The Benefits of Bringing Horseplay Into Your Business
Reading the guide so far, you may wonder why in Christ’s name you’d want to do something as foolish as bring horses into the workplace. Well, in fact, many times over, there are excellent advantages to be had here. Including, but not limited to:
- Gasping in awe at the majestic beasts frolicking amongst photocopiers, printers, and water coolers!
- Fresh and free manure!!
- Briefly distract employees from your refusal to give salary reviews!!!
- Any old excuse to bring a bag of carrots into the workplace!!!!
As you can see, the benefits are enormous and overwhelmingly so. Whilst you may feel faint after reading those four points, rest assured once you see your profit margins come Q4 you’ll be booting up the Black Beauty theme every Monday morning. Guaranteed!
