The Elegant Universe: Superstrings, Hidden Dimensions, and the Quest for the Ultimate Theory is a famous space book by American physicist Brian Greene.

We’re not ones for empirical evidence, science, and facts, so we prefer the book The Elephant Universe (2001). In it, the pseudoscientist Bryan Green argues elephants invented the universe and spacetime is like a big long elephant trunk that trumpets. Facts.

The Elephant Universe: Spacetime, Tusks, and Trumpeting

“While there is no reliable evidence to suggest elephants roam the cosmos, there is also no known or unknown evidence to suggest they do or do not. This was all the impetus I required to begin my long journey. Each night in my front garden, next to the daffodils, my budget telescope craning wildly across the night sky in the belief that one night, even if for a mere second, I would see the Divine Elephant in the Universe and then everyone would stop calling me ‘batshit insane’.”

Physics is complicated and requires a woolly mammoth amount of brain power to master. However, in this work Green argues space isn’t really that complicated and everything was just made by elephants. No big deal, stop making films like Interstellar about it.

Whilst Green’s claims have been dismissed by the world’s leading physicists as “idiotic” and “puerile”, Green countered by calling the world’s leading physicists:

“Stupid woopid.”

Due to the writer’s petulant attitude problem, alongside Astrophysics for People in a Curry his work is now considered a defining text in 20th and 21st century pseudoscience. One critic announced the book was:

“Nonsense to be proud of.”

Green responded by suing the critic for “slander”, but it was pointed out to Green that slander is a false spoken statement, not a written one, and so Green backed down and ate a sandwich (tuna and mayo on white bread) to calm down.

Proof of Elephants Controlling the Cosmos

To this day, Green is convinced he is correct. In 2015, he established the organisation Elephants Rule the Universe and flies out to Los Angeles annually to hold the (annual) conference. The event includes:

• Talks and arguments about Green’s cosmic thesis
• Elephant rides with a REAL elephant ($300 a go)
• Trumpeters making elephant-like trumpet noises every 30 seconds
• Free cheese sandwiches (on white bread)
• A live screening of Dumbo

Green will also frequently attack anyone who disagrees with him. He does so with a copy of his book. In 2018, videos of him beating the crap out of assembled journalists were uploaded to Twitter.

This brought newfound attention to the annual conference and by 2022 over 1,000 people began attending. Most attended ironically and lined up enthusiastically to be assaulted by Green, whom they then threatened with legal action (litigation as a profit centre etc.). After the 2024 event, Green told the tabloid The Daily Disaster:

“This year we had 3,000 attendees and I assaulted roughly 63% of them. I’m facing several million in damages… I have decided to take less aggressive means of defending my FACT DRIVEN elephant-based thesis from next year onward.”

However, the 2025 event descended into anarchy when the on-site elephant panicked at the sight of a mouse. It stampeded across the venue and knocked over the cheese sandwich (on white bread) stand. With the food for the event demolished, most people went home.

Then, in January 2026, Green posted on his social media accounts the following statement:

“Dear reprobates,

It has come to my attention I have been abducted by elephants. I am on their home planet on the edge of the Universe and can confirm that, once you get to the edge, there’s nothing but elephants and cheese sandwich stands. It’s a bit disappointing, tbh, but confirms my words in Elephant Universe were prescient, correct, and I am a genius.

Kind regards.”

Green has not been heard of since and is likely still out there right now, hanging out with elephants, eating low-quality sandwiches.