Hi. I’m the Crisps Whisperer. If you’re wondering what the hell that is, it’s like being a horse whisperer. Except for crisps (potato chips, for any Americans reading this).

My job is to usher crisps out of their crisps packets.

Now, you may think this is a completely useless job. You may have a point there. However, as the world’s preeminent crisps whisperer I must also point out I maintain the HIGHEST of professional standards when dealing with any crisp.

Soothing Platitudes and Whispered Sweet Nothings to Get Wafer Thing Salted Potato Slices Into Your Face ASAP

Whether it’s cheese & onion, prawn cocktail, salt & vinegar, or smoky bacon, I’ll whisper sweet nothings to those crisps (potato chips) so you don’t have to lift a finger to open the packet.

With my wondrous words, the crisps will come forth from the packet of crisps (potato chips) and arrange themselves neatly on a plate for you to consume.

No, this is not an illusion.

Yes, you will be charged for this service.

The Crisps Whisperer (myself) has a flat fee of £100 for every crisp whispered out of a packet of crisps. No, that’s not daylight robbery. My work is an art form—few have the skills capable of communicating with potato chips (crisps).

I am a genius. I expect you to accept that. You want crisps whispered? This is where it’s at! They’ll make movies about me in the future starring Robert Redford as ME like he did in 1998 in that stupid Horse Whisperer film that’d be garbage in comparison to the film about my special talents.

The Secrets of Crisp Whispering

Many have wondered what I whisper to crisps. It’s not in my jurisdiction to disclose such information; only the crisps will ever know.

For as the world’s preeminent crisps whisperer (and I’ll have you know I also dally in cheese whispering, from time to time) I have a special set of skills. From a business perspective, I spend most of my time:

• Whispering
• Whispering at crisps
• Marketing my special talents
• Charging for my services
• Convincing sceptics I’m not a con artist

While I can’t divulge all of my skills for fears my competitors steal my edge, what I can reveal is that some people are just more in touch with The Universe than others.

God and Beelzebub bestowed upon to me a unique kind of genius; one in a billion. The transcendental capacity to communicate with crisps. Park your rampant jealousy for a moment as you are reading right now the words of The Chosen One.

Many a time I have reduced a customer into a weeping heap of awe as I display my extraordinary skill set to them.

For you have not seen true beauty until you’ve seen a crisp emerge, like a fresh daisy, into the world after one’s hushed tones convince it to do so. It’s not rocket science. It’s a step above that, requiring the subtlety of Mozart and the far-reaching genius of Einstein, Curie, Bohr, Faraday, Feynman, Sidis, and Bothe COMBINED.

Legal Disclaimer (Confessions of a Crisp Whisperer)

There are several important notices to contemplate prior to my commencing whispering for fiscal remuneration:

1. If I am interrupted when crisp whispering, I may:
   1. Spontaneously combust
   2. Fly into a psychotic rage
   3. Challenge you to a fight
   4. Stop crisp whispering, thus ending our transaction (I still expect payment, whether the items are out of the packet or not).
2. Payment must be before, during, and after my whispering session.
3. Get the hell out of my way when I am at work!
4. NO INTERRUPTIONS!
5. The Crisps Whisperer does not provide work for the likes of lentil “crisps” as these are merely the machinations of Marxists.

Crisp whispering requires total dedication as a craft. To be effective in this role, I need silence—even the sound of a donkey braying in the distance can disturb the transmundane forces I require to do what I do.

Should I maul someone after being disturbed doing my work, I waive all legal responsibility of said mauling and also plead insanity in the event this is all dismissed in court.

Last of all, let it be know The Crisps Whisperer performs his duties while wearing nothing but a bobble hat and a pair of pink speedos. You may well find this sight “ghastly” (as so many have said), but it is a trade secret without which I am unable to perform miracles.