For our Sunday post we have decided to have a look at brand new sports. Perhaps we’re being biased as we were never any good at sports type things, except Mr. Wapojif did excel as an infant at Primary School.
He was the fastest runner, the best swimmer, and athletic all-rounder.
Then he hit his teenager years and became heavily overweight, very drunk, and drove himself towards half-madness. Even moderate running is enough to place him towards Heart Attack status.
But it is also the Olympics! In England! In London! It’s, like, proper OMG! As our Government hurls unending billions we don’t actually have at this superfluous event, the Professional Moron Excite-o-meter currently rests at 0%.
Correct, we’re not going to be watching any of it. As will a large proportion of the country, too. It’s a shame we’ll be paying out our hard earned cash in taxes for this ridiculous event for the rest of our lives.
We mean, the only good thing about the Winter Olympics recently was that the lovely Amy Williams won a Gold medal for Britain. That and Amy Williams. Plus, the N64 game Nagano Winter Olympics. Except the game was mediocre.
We don’t care about the Gold medal one bit, but the lovely (did we mention that before?) Amy Williams can stand around talking about her skeleton sled runs all day for all we care.
Anyway, whatever, here’s a list of events we want to see in Olympic World 2016? Did it take place in 2012? We’ve forgotten. Anyway, onwards Macduff!
Proper Olympics Events
We at the Professional Moron office endured teenage High School years of being the last one chosen during P.E. lessons. Our friends left us until last in their team choices.
Not that this experience has made us bitter or sadistic in any respects.
Ho ho, no. We’d never dream of flaying anyone alive! Yet, deep deep down, there is some subconscious hatred for sports. We don’t like football.
We hate golf and snooker. But, you know, the Olympics are just around the corner. And they bore us rigid. So what Olympic events would make us actually watch?
The slow paced world of Eyebrow growing is a thrill a minute competition.
Competitors brush their teeth as quickly as possible. The first person to pass out through blood loss from bleeding gums is declared the winner.
Teams of eight unfurl towels. Really quickly.
Hairy Back Growing
Every woman loves an unsightly, gross, wildly hairy back on their man! So what better than men of every nation around the globe competing for Gold with their hairy backs?!
See also our agony aunt feature on hairy backs! It’s great advice.
Morbidly obese types compete for who can eat themselves even heavier!
The world’s finest cheese gets tested by cheese experts. Gold will go to the one competitor able to tell between Mature Cheddar and Extra Mature.
Who can extract the largest bogey from a nostril? To the winner, the Gold medal spoils! Competitors may only pick their nose inside the Nose Picking arena. Everywhere outside the arena will be a “No Nose Picking” zone. On pain of violent death!
Only the best groomed Earwigs will compete for Gold! Earwig owners – get to grooming!
A swearing event! Hooray! Competitors gather together and swear a vast amount until the most foul mouthed claims his/her prize!