Events “They” Should Have Included At The Olympics

The Olympics in 1924, when eagles were allowed to compete.
The Olympics in 1924, when eagles were allowed to compete.

For our Sunday post we have decided to have a look at brand new sports. Perhaps we’re being biased as we were never any good at sports type things, except Mr. Wapojif did excel as an infant at Primary School. He was the fastest runner, the best swimmer, and athletic all-rounder. Then he hit his teenager years and became heavily overweight, very drunk, and drove himself towards half-madness. Even moderate running is enough to place him towards Heart Attack status.

But it is also the Olympics! In England! In London! It’s, like, proper OMG! As our Government hurls unending billions we don’t actually have at this superfluous event, the Professional Moron Excite-o-meter currently rests at 0%. Correct, we’re not going to be watching any of it. As will a large proportion of the country, too. It’s a shame we’ll be paying out our hard earned cash in taxes for this ridiculous event for the rest of our lives. I mean, the only good thing about the Winter Olympics recently was that the lovely Amy Williams won a Gold medal for Britain. We don’t care about the Gold medal one bit, but the lovely (did we mention that before?) Amy Williams can stand around talking about her skelton sled runs all day for all we care. Anyway, whatevs, here’s a list of events we want to see in Olympica World 20… and 16? Did it take place in 2012? We’ve forgotten. Anyway, onwards Macduff!

We at the Professional Moron office endured teenage High School years of being the last one chosen during P.E. lessons. Our friends left us until last in their team choices. Not that this experience has made us bitter or sadistic in any respects. Ho ho, no. We’d never dream of flaying anyone alive! Yet, deep deep down, there is some subconscious hatred for sports. We don’t like football. We hate golf and snooker. But, you know, the Olympics are just around the corner. And they bore us rigid. So what Olympic events would make us actually watch?

Eyebrow Growing

The slow paced world of Eyebrow growing is a thrill a minute competition.

Tooth brushing

Competitors brush their teeth as quickly as possible. The first person to pass out through blood loss from bleeding gums is declared the winner.

Unfurling

Teams of eight unfurl towels. Really quickly.

Hairy Back Growing

Every woman loves an unsightly, gross, wildly hairy back on their man! So what better than men of every nation around the globe competing for Gold with their hairy backs?!

Chronic Obesity

Morbidly obese types compete for who can eat themselves even heavier!

Cheese Testing

The world’s finest cheese gets tested by cheese experts. Gold will go to the one competitor able to tell between Mature Cheddar and Extra Mature.

Nose Picking

Who can extract the largest bogey from a nostril? To the winner, the Gold medal spoils! Competitors may only pick their nose inside the Nose Picking arena. Everywhere outside the arena will be a “No Nose Picking” zone. On pain of violent death!

Earwig Grooming

Only the best groomed Earwigs will compete for Gold! Earwig owners – get to grooming!

Profanity Bellowing

A swearing event! Hooray! Competitors gather together and swear a vast amount until the most foul mouthed claims his/her prize!

Have some gibberish to dispense with?

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