Whilst hair is useful for most people (except bald ones), for some it’s all a bit too much. Hair grows out of many things, including the nose, ears, and sometimes kneecaps.

It’s disgusting, but it’s an evolutionary necessity for men to have a hairy back in order to repel some women so they are not overwhelmed with potential suitors. Unfortunately, today’s feeble being cannot comprehend this.

Hairy Back

OMG, PM, I’m, like, disgusted! It’s gross! Ewww! I started dating this guy and he’s dead hot and that, even if he is a bit of a dick, but when I saw him with his top off for the first time I was, like, “WTF!?” cos his back is like a ****ing carpet! I can’t date a guy with a hairy back, I’ve got standards! I’m 21, well fit, and I’ve got standards to set! What would me friends say?! I’ll be a laughing stock if me friends find out! What do I do?! Cheers, Ems

Hi there, Ems. Men are famous for being hairy and, as such, it’s important to remember the hair isn’t contagious – i.e. you won’t be resembling a gorilla anytime soon!

Do be aware, however, that some men can be quite touchy about the subject, so you may went to approach your boyfriend with subtle hints which may force him to take action.

An alternative approach is to get him wasted and, whilst he’s unconscious, wax the bastard yourself.

He’ll unlikely appreciate this invasion of privacy, but when your reputation is on the line, sometimes you just have to step in and take the moral high ground.

A Permanent Solution

The problem with hair, of course, is it tends to grow back. You’ll soon find your boyfriend sporting the orangutan look again, which means you may want to find a permanent solution.

One option is to purchase a flamethrower and, periodically, scorch his back to remove the excess hair (again, you may have to wait until he’s unconscious to do this as it will be agonisingly painful for him).

Alternatively, you can try removing several layers of skin from his back to destroy the hair follicles. This will ensure you never have to fear the hair returning, although it may leave your boyfriend with horrific scarring.

Whatever, anything is better than an unsightly hairy back, are we right?!

Thankfully, due to the wonders of modern surgery, men can now find affordable hairy back operations at independent plastic surgery clinics.

Whilst the operation tends to be extremely expensive (up to £10,000), if you steal some cars and sell them on eBay then you’ll soon be able to fund this essential operation.

Signs and Symptoms

If your significant other is concerned about developing hairy back syndrome, or is showing signs and symptoms of developing a hairy back, dial for an ambulance immediately.

Precious seconds count in the world of this disorder, where a pair of tweezers and some anti-androgens will ensure your man remains the hunk of the month he well and truly is.

Signs and symptoms of a hairy back include, but are not limited to, hair protruding from the individual’s back. Please note – hair protruding from other areas of the body, such as the face, do not constitute hairy back syndrome.

Indeed, with this example the hair emanating from the man’s face is likely just a beard. Similarly, the things above his eyes are his eyebrows.

Don’t panic regarding these – it’s perfectly normal to have them. Only enter a frenzy if it’s on the other side of his body. Best of luck, Ems!