How To Be A Chinese Dwarf Hamster

The following is a verbatim interpretation of the life of our office pet, Beans the hamster. Her sardonic life influences us all. Here’s a fundamental overview of her day in something that promotes un-predujiced hamster order. The one thing we hate is hamsters getting prejudice. You dissin’? Hamsters? Well stop it, or Beans is gonna sort you out!

Hooray, we say, hooray! And Beans kicks some serious ass as hamsters go. Watch your step! She once said to us, “But, knowing how with knowledge to, but not pertaining to, and with knowledge of, therefore with prior knowledge therefore of, and with…. erm… chocolate?” Yeah. Not useful. The following is based on our oberservations.

———————-

Wheel…. wheel…. spin…. spin…. SPIN!… Wh…. WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!?!?! Hands! HANDS! ARGH!! I’M GOING TO DIE!!! I’M… oh, it’s him. Erm…. I need to clean my nose and head and ears. Commence now. Why is he cooing about how cute I am? Stop it, thing. I want chocolate bites. None available. Escape through any means possible. Slide from his hand onto the bed? Big drop. WAH! Yes, alive. Escape! ESCAPE! What? Thing has me again. How? I can’t understand. Where is my wheel? What happened to my chocolate drop? Why aren’t I in my bed? I want to store food in my cheeks for no reason. Oh, it’s him again. PANIC! Thing is here to kill me! ARGHHHHHHH…. erm. Oh, I actually like that when I get patted. What is he looking at? Git. His hand looks tasty. I chew and see! HAHA! He roars in agony! Die human thing, just make sure I have chocolate before you die! I demand it so! HAHAH! Erm… where’s my wheel? What is he doing? Stop cooing at me, fool, I want a chocolate drop. What…. I need to use the toilet on your hand. He doesn’t seem to mind. Future reference point. And where is my wheel? I want to run in a perpetual circle of oddness. Fun. Ish. I like my food. And… where am I? Oh, it’s thing again. And. WAH! He’s…. he’s put me back in my cage! Panic! Where the hell is everything! In exactly the same place as before! OMG! PANIC! To bed! TO BED! GET INTO BED! I am safe. Where did I put my chocolate? Where am I?”

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