Who would you invite to your perfect dinner party?

A truly sophisticated dinner party.

A one time colleague of ours once asked us, to help rid the tedium of a former job, “Who would you invite to your perfect dinner party?”. This question in itself is the type of question you’d ask at an actual dinner party to belittle your current guests, but regardless of these heinous issues we thought we’d go ahead with the concept. After all, this isn’t a dinner party. It’s a blog post.

The rules are fairly simple; a notable person from history (dead or alive) can attend this wonderbar party and deliberate with you; the meaning of life, the finest wine, where babies come from, the extent of the universe, the concept of deities and other animals, where does belly button fluff come from, and marmite. Oh boy, would it be fun! So who would we invite? Read on good sir/madam!

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Genghis Khan

The Great Khan says; “Don’t forget to eat your greens!”

Known as “Snuggums” by his 1,000+ mistresses, the cuddly Genghis Khan sure did know how to conquer stuff! The Mongol’s highly aggressive form of invading and establishing themselves an empire worked wonders for two hundred years! So, despite this psychotic streak, he would make an entertaining guest at the table, not least as he’s been dead a thousand years and was never interviewed whilst he was alive. The Daily Mongol simply didn’t exist back then. Topics to break the ice with Genghis; Who is your favourite footballer?, Where’s your favourite beach, What would you use to strike the fatal blow – a machete or an axe? How many human hearts have you consumed?

Keith Moon

Moon the Loon.

Krazy Keith was the brilliant drummer for famous English group The Who, and he was also a self-styled maniac and chaos creator. Blowing stuff up and generally being uncontrollable and wild were what made the drumming legend tick. He clearly had some sort of hyperactive disorder so you would need to keep him entertained if you wanted him to hang around for the cheese board and coffee. Topics to break the ice with Keith; What happened to your tooth? (he lost it after a drunken dive into an empty swimming pool), Can you juggle these olives for us?, Whatever happened to your first drum kit? (detonated), Do you ever do anything normally?

Oliver Reed

Oliver Reed, ladies and gentlemen.

Ollie Reed was well known for his brilliant acting chops and his often eccentric behaviour. Wrestling naked in pubs, drinking over 100 pints of beer during a stag night, arm wrestling with locals hours before his death in 1999. It was all in a days work for one of the last True Brit actor types. He inconveniently copped it before the filming for Gladiator had ended, so he had to be digitally hoo-haahed in his final scenes in the film. Much the same for your dinner party, we guess, but he’d still be a more entertaining guest than 99.99% of the rest of the world! Ice breaking questions for Ollier; When did you last shave?, How many pints of beer do you need to drink before you pass out?, Why do you keep wrestling naked in pubs?, Will you arm wrestle me,

Ferdinand Magellan

Nice beard.

Last seen being hacked to death by enraged natives around the Moluccas Islands in the Indies 500 years ago. Magellan deserves to get to explain his often insane antics on his voyage to find a strait to the Spice Islands for Spain. He did find it, and it’s still called the Magellan Strait. Let’s explain; he was an obstinate sea captain and intrepid hero sort who pleaded to the King of Spain to be allowed to lead the Armada de Moluccas to find this secret passage, get to the Spice Island (spices were like gold back then), establish a trade route, and circumnavigate the globe on the way home. Daring stuff. Magellan didn’t quite reach the Spice Islands, instead he was chopped up by thoroughly pissed off locals. Ice breakers for him; So what did you do to annoy the locals so much?, How long did it take you to grow that beard?, Have you ever had scurvy?

Robert Shaw

Quint wants the last slice of Edam!

The lad from Westhougton, Lancashire left an everlasting mark on cinema when he played crusty old seadog Quint in Jaws. We’d expect him to be in character, of course, otherwise we wouldn’t let him in to our property! In correct dress, replete with stench of fish and brandy. We wouldn’t have it any other way. Ice breakers for Quin/Shaw; Can I stroke your moustache?, How did you compose yourself for that death scene?, Can I comb your hair?

3 comments

  1. I’d like to invite YOU to a dinner party. For appetizers we will be enjoying a wee amuse-bouche of turds in aspic, crafted by the crusty paws of celebrity chef K DD herself. What’s for the entree, eh?

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    • I heartily accept, although I only eat aspic if it’s covered in jam and marmite. Entree would consist of; cheese, jam, marmite, haggis, jam, bovril and/or Pot Noodle. The Pot Noodle would be served with aspic. With jam and marmite.

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      • A lad after my own heart! I also believe there should be a layer of jam ‘twixt every course. And ‘twixt the pages of most books. And smeared on as a protective lubricant ‘twixt one’s skin and clothing. In fact, my friends and relations think me quite a fitness nut because they think I visit the gym several times a day, when what I’m actually saying is “I have to go to the JAM”, it’s just that my enunciation is a little muzzy due to my mouth being simply CRAMMED with preserves.

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