Gravy. A confusing beast layered with more mystique than a mountain of cabbages who demand they be known only as “Condiments of Horseradish”.
Horseradish is made of horses and radish. Gravy is a mixture of all sorts of things that, were you to find out the sordid truth, would make your ears bleed, your eyes foam, and your teeth jiggle.
Here we expose the truth, for the first time, about the repugnant underworld of gravy, where gravy makers are forced to work 37 hour days for 1p an hour over seventeen day weeks.
Gravy: The Truth Revealed
Such is the competition in the gravy industry that many gravy firms (who, for legal reasons, have asked not to be named) have taken to adding non-gravy based ingredients to their gravy.
In the most shocking exposé of modern times it has emerged that some gravy firms have been using cheese to spice up their gravy mix.
Professional Moron has spent the last fifty seven years uncovering this elusive world of subversion, despotic scheming, and tumultuous turmoil. Read on for the greatest piece of investigative journalism since Truman Capote’s In Cold Blood.
Few would have believed that humble gravy could be the harbourer of such putrid evilness.
The industry is so lacking in any notion of redemption that grown men have been known to drop to the floor and weep for hours at the mention of the word “gravy”.
The most notorious gravy firm, Gravy R Us (who were forced to close by terrified government officials in 1996), was so intent on providing the best gravy for roast dinners in time for Christmas 1990 that they invented Gravy Guns to shoot on sight, with gravy, any individuals leaving a supermarket without their brand of gravy.
There have been countless other atrocities, many of them lost in the midst of time, but the documented accounts make for horrifying reading.
Many brave souls have fought against the system. The Cookie Monster has been one of the most prolific anti-gravy polemicists over the last thirty years.
His remarkable essay Gravy: When The Gravy Doesn’t Get Cooked rocked the gravy industry in 1982 and brought about sweeping rule changes in gravy making regulations.
One of these alterations banned the use of Semtex in gravy to add the “kick” many gravy users so desperately craved.
To combat this many gravy businesses began using chilli powder to add an additional “oomph” to gravy.
The great Gravy Revolution of 2001 will go down in history as the best revolution ever.
Yet, despite the remarkable changes brought about by this revolution (gravy prices dropped by 3p) there is still the illegal gravy underworld which ruins lives, makes grown men weep, and creates a substandard Christmas Dinner.
Our great hope is that the upcoming Hollywood Blockbuster, Blood Gravy (starring Leonardo DiCaprio, Brad Pitt, and Christian Bale) will make a notable dent in the underworld gravy industry.
For the sake of us all we can only hope we can prevail!