Hurrah! It’s the thing at the end of a working week – the weekend. This signifies the end of the week, hence the amalgamation of the words “week” and “end”. You see, if this thyme off were to be called “weekstart” everyone would be hugely confused and, potentially, left belligerent and/or violent as a consequence. Still, “What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet” and old Billy Shakespoon has a good point. You call a dog turd a Flowery Splat of Effervescence and all of a sudden getting it all over your shoes just doesn’t seem so bad, does it? Alternatively, if you call delicious soup a “Nuclear Warhead” and all of a sudden you’re not ordering it off the menu. So, sudden changes and other suddenness has a sudden impact on how you brain works; it’s tremendously fascinating! Not that you’ll be studying up on our insane rambling this weekend. You’ll be wanting FUN! So here are some activities to pursue. Read on, Macduff.
Naked in the Manchester shipping canal, or some other heavily polluted area you happen upon. You could, of course, head over to your local swimming baths and bathe in everyone’s urine and skin flakes. Should you decide upon this then don’t forget to jump off the diving board! Just don’t do a Mr. Bean. LOL!
Indulge in Belligerence
Hang around your local supermarket accusing people of trying to steal your wallet, swear at people, demand people purchase you cheese sandwiches; whatever outlandish expectations you can level at someone will do. Once these demands are not met it’s time to go apeshit. Expletives are a must, of course, as is stomping your feet up and down, or lying face down on the ground and flapping your arms and legs about in a proper temper tantrum. Always good for a laugh!
Learn a language!
There’s nothing more amazing (well, Jaffa Cakes are pretty ace) than speaking in a foreign language and having people from that country have an expression of, “Oh well, at least they’re trying!” spread across their face. Only begin to get vehemently angry when they consistently fail to understand your best attempts. After this, fly off the handle and go off on one; “Tu est un grande salaud! Sac de merde! J’ai cerche a vous!”.
Watch a film!
Looper thing looks pretty good. Ah, remember when Bruce Willis had hair? Alternatively you could watch Taken 2, which is meant to be awful. So don’t watch that, although we do love Liam Neeson here in the Professional Moron office. Back to the former film; Looper stars Willis and rising star Joesph-Gordon Levitt. Now that’s not really much of a catchy name, is it? He may as well have chucked in another name to make it even more difficult to remember – Joseph Gordon Stuart Steven Mark Bruce Rebecca Levitt. He’s been in Inception, 50/50, The Dark Knight Rises and now the big hoohah that is Looper. Way to go JGL!
Invent Some New Underpants
What the world is waiting for? A new brand of underpants! We would like to see something so cool you wouldn’t be embarrassed to go walkies with your underwear on the outside of your trousers. Kind of like Superman, except without the ability to fly and pick really heavy stuff up. Superman wears his speedos outside his spandex suit, you see, which isn’t really very superheroey. It’s also very sexist; Superman. Why not Superhuman? Or Superwoman? There’s no reason why Superman couldn’t be into a bit of cross dressing.
Tell strangers they “Smell really bad.”
There’s nothing quite like insulting total strangers! Wander around town one busy afternoon telling everyone they stink; jot down reactions in a notebook for later use in a novel. The novel will be about your pain and anguish as an angst ridden, alienated genius no one understands. Occasionally, as you stroll around town verbally abusing people, drop to your knees and let rip with a, “WHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhyyyyyyyy!!??!?!” for no apparent reason. Drama.
Take up Ballet
Want to know how to dance properly? That’s ballet for you! Within a week you should be up to Vaslav Nijinsky’s standards fo’ sho’. Or maybe Natalie Portman’s efforts in Black Swan. Whilst we’re on the subject of Portman; just how thin did she need to be in that film? Emaciated Swan should have been the title *giggle snort guffaw*! Her beauty is discussed a fair bit in the press, but if you’re going to be as skeleton-esque as she is expect some worried glances and a few, “Er, do you want some pasta?” gestures.