Exclusive: Men Explained For Women

We’d date him! It’s the truly amazing Charles Darwin.

On the bus journey to work this morning Mr. Wapojif (in a voyeuristic lapse) could not help but notice the book a young lady retrieved from her handbag to read. T’was “Why Men Love Bitches: From Doormat To Dreamgirl – A Woman’s Guide To Holding Her Own in a Relationship” (that’s one hell of a continuous title)  by Sherry Argov. The book (we checked up the synopsis on Amazon) suggests women who consider themselves to be too nice often have men running riot with them and destroying their lives etc. Argov suggests bringing out the inner impulses to make yourself a more attractive and appealing woman (for instance, covering yourself in marmite to stand out). The alternative, of course, is to judge a man’s character more accurately. If you pursue a man who is clearly a git then all you’re going to get is gittery. To discover if they are a git, or the man of your dreams, try asking him questions such as;

“Are you fond of punching people violently  in the face?”

“Do you prefer reading an intelligent book quietly or shouting abuse at an arbitrary referee?”

“Do you think the film Titanic is; a) Brilliant! b) For girls or homosexuals, or c) Acceptable cos Kate Winslet gets starkers. Phwwwoooarrr, ‘ey?”

“At the end of Marley and Me do you; a) Cry, b) Go and empty your bowels noisily in the bathroom, or c) Repeatedly state the film is for girls and homosexuals, and then go to the bathroom to empty your etc.”

Obviously any of the negative above should have alarm bells ringing. So, dump his one eyed ass and take our guide to men and the types you should/shouldn’t look for! Read on, if you dare!

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First of all we shall seperate (for the sake of sweeping generalisations) men into three groups. The stupids, the hotties, and the brainiacs. This makes things, like, so much easier. We shall summarise each aspect of the male psyche in order for you, the reader, to determine who is best for YOU.

The Stupids

The chav.

Also known as “Chavs”, this primitive form of men are fond of things such as; mindless rioting, petty theft, homophobia, xenophobia, sexism, eating at McDonalds, profane language, skiving, making idiotic remarks, and being generally loathable. The best bet is to just steer well clear of them. That goes to everyone, not just women. The male chav is a simple beast and the best way to avoid his often irrational behaviour is to attempt to blot their existence out of your memory.

The Hotties

‘ow you doin’?

Attractive men have good genes, and often come equipped with excellent chat up lines. You may, in your Bitch state, want to fend these off in order to avoid succumbing to his manly charms. Some of the best chat up line put downs are as follows. Now you could say some of these are a bit unnecessarily violent. You could, but frankly we think they’re a pretty good way of dealing with blokes. Here we go:

Him: “Get your coat, love, you’ve pulled!” You: “Die in hell you blood spawn devil man!” *then kick him in the groin and flee*

Him: “You’re so beautiful I think I might cry…” You: “You’re so ugly I think I might vomit…”

Him: “Is your father a thief? Because someone stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.” You: “If you say one more word to me I’m going to spray my deodorant into your eyes, thereby blinding you for thirty seconds. Whilst you reel in agony I will steal your wallet and then kick you in the groin.”

Him: “Do you have a map? Because I keep getting lost in your eyes.” You: “Do you have a cap, as I want to jam it down your throat.”

Him: “Were you arrested earlier? It’s gotta be illegal to look that good?” You: “Are you suggesting I’m the type of girl who would, or should, be under investigation from the police? I’ll have you know I am a fine upstanding citizen with nary a book delivered late to my library! *proceed to ramble on endlessly about how legitimate you are until he passes out in boredom*”

Him: “Did it hurt when you fell out of heaven.” You: “Do you think it will hurt when I kick you violently in the groin?”

The Brainiacs

Albo. He knew a thing or two.

The geniuses are dateable for a number of reasons, not least as they can figure out how much your meal at a restaurant is before the bill has even arrived! Your average intelligent geeza will be interested far less in sport and more in figuring out, in pedantic detail, why your bills are £3 more expensive than they ought to be. Farwell go romantic weekends and trips to the theatre, hello to long evenings on the couch with a caculator; “Just how did we manage to spend twelve pence on a phone call, darling? We must find out the truth about this heinous detail!” So dating a genius has its downsides. It must also be noted the intellectual man has a fondness for eating too much. Albert Einstein was a one off, but every other man with an IQ resting on the Genius level was at least over 25 stone. This is a fact (probably) that can be verified (possibly) somewhere on the internet. Indeed.

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