In terms of a pure visceral response we got to wondering whether cute animals or terrifying ones won over on an emotional front. Fink about it; you’re swimming in the ocean and a Great White Shark suddenly joins you. Terror? Indeed. Alternatively, you’re swimming in the ocean and suddenly the Cute Fish (note; this fish doesn’t actually exist, sadly) joins you reducing you to a gibbering wreck of an individual. So which emotion is more powerful; terror or cute empathy?

We could have come up with a more scientifically valid experiment, we know, but then here at Professional Moron we’re not really about doing things sensibly or backed up by any form of logic. No, we just do stuff on a whim, and thinking this through his monstrous brain is seriously the best course of action for Mr. Wapojif. Indeed, he once had to endure both emotions in quick sequence as he spied a super cute puppy, and was then confronted by a slobbering wild Sabre Toothed Tiger (NB: this could be a lie). So, hold onto your eyebrows as we take a delve into the horrifying world of human emotions.

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Kitten vs Lion

Kittens are mighty cute, we all agree, but lions bring about a pretty blood curdling reaction (if you’re out in the wild alone with them). We do love lions and think they should all be out in the wild, but it doesn’t mean we want to spend any time with them whilst out there. As for kittens; cute rating 10/10. Lion terror? 8/10. So cute empathy wins! Next thyme you’re out in the wilds of Antarctica (or wherever lions habituate) make sure you’re carrying a kitten with you. This way you won’t mind being mauled to death as you take in the cute wikkle kitty fighting with some string.

Goldfish vs Great White Shark

“Bob” fish tend to wordlessly mouth as they go about their futile existence – cuteness rating 8/10. Great White Sharks, in the meantime, tend to not really mouth anything other than razor sharp jaws of flesh shredding terror. Foul your speedos time? Yes. 10/10 for maximum horror, not at all helped by the film Jaws and mass hysteria/sensationalism from the media whenever there is a shark attack. We’re doomed, I tells ya, dooooomed! Clearly the terror factor in this scenario overwhelms everything else.

Puppy vs Grizzly Bear

Awww, there’s nothing like an energetic, clumsy puppy to have you frothing at the mouth with empathy; a definite 10/10 for adoration factor here. Feck, not even famous psychopaths like Adolf Hitler had anything against dogs! Pretty much everyone, however, would be pretty fuppin’ terrified to be stuck out in the wilderness with a grizzly bear for company – we direct you towards the Werner Herzog documentary Grizzly Man for lessons in why these enormous beasts are majestic but 10/10 spare trousers needed time. We call this one a win by the grizzlies, but only by a smidgen (or a decapitated arm in this case).

Polar Bear Cubs vs Polar Bear Adults

Whenever polar bears are on nature documentaries they’re absolutely always wandering around on their own looking for food with a vast expanse of snow about them. It has to rank as one of the most peculiar existences on Earth of any animal; seriously, do they enjoy it at all? You look at other animals in the wild and many seem to have some fun. Polar bears, however, have a constant, nightmarish fight for survival with the very little food available. It’s something like 9/10 polar bear food hunts fail miserably. By ‘eck. Anyway, the little cubs you often see are very cute and adorable. Approachable, even. If you were out there they’d probably bound on over to visit you – 8/10 for effort! The adults, however, would bound on over and have you trapped in their jaws faster than you could say, “Oh, bollocks, why did I bother making this trip, anyway?” 9/10, terror wins.

Mr. Butterfly vs Mrs. Black Widow

Butterflies are beautiful creatures; peaceful, lovely, floaty. Gorgeous. They are often used to highlight the beauty of nature and how, surely, there is a grand creator behind all of this existence. Meantime, even if you’re one of those people who likes spiders, you steer the hell away from Black Widows. And why? One bite from these lunatics will leave you fighting for your life, and whilst you’re doing so you’ll be bent backwards in mind bending agony. Horror factor? 10/10. Butterflies general prettiness? 9/10 (we deduct a point as they die within a few days). We’d rather do without looking at pretty stuff if we could keep away from those gosh darned red backs!