How To Deal With a Difficult Customer

How to deal with difficult customers.
Oh yeah? Not as stupid as you, corporate moron!

How do you deal with a difficult customer? At the very best of times your average customer is an utter dunce who can’t tell his or her eyebrow from his nostrils. This can prove VERY frustrating for business spiel towing firms who are intent on cruising along with good customer service, whilst poor employees have to endure all sorts of nonsense for the sake of a measly wage package. Such is the capitalist way of things.

Our very own Mr. Wapojif has had to deal with the general public a fair bit over the years, although he now gladly gets to keep them at a MASSIVE distance as he has an office job. When he was in his early 20s, though, he worked in a clothes store and a chain pub. The experiences gained from these were enough to morph him into a misanthropic psychopath intent on self-alienation from society. Thusly he went out and purchased some skinny jeans to express his individuality! What ho, jeeves!

How to Deal with a Difficult Customer

But would you really rather just smash the difficult customer in the face with one of your fists? Or tell them to clear orf (in profanity-laden English)? Of course you would, but such is the common absurdity of the world, retailers have to adopt a spurious persona in an attempt to appease the scumbag proles. Ho Hum. Anyway, if you want to know how to handle a difficult individual, here is our guide! Onward!

Laugh or Cry Hysterically

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA!

If someone starts giving you grief it’s best to have a bizarre overreaction to the customer. Either laugh so hard you go very red in the face and collapse, or curl up in a ball on the floor and ask for your favourite blankey. Most customers will be so startled or contemptuous they’ll clear off and leave you alone.

Dribble

We couldn't find a copyright free picture of anyone dribbling, but this is (apparently) "Dribbles" the cat. Sorted.
We couldn’t find a copyright free picture of anyone dribbling, but this is (apparently) “Dribbles” the cat. Sorted.

To the best of your ability deal with the difficult git, but make sure you dribble uncontrollably whilst you’re assisting them. Pretending to be oblivious to this is a big plus as it adds to the, “Is this person having a psychotic breakdown?” aurora t’will be emanating from orf of you. Indeed, good sir. Vacant staring will also make you the customer’s worst nightmare, but it’s all a larf for you, eh?

Throw a Wobbler

"FFfffffffffffffffffffffffffffff..."!
“FFfffffffffffffffffffffffffffff…”!

It’s thyme for you to get it all out of your system! Sick of the capitalist weigh of things? Fed up of not being able to buy the lipstick you really want?! Now’s your chance to bitch and moan at the difficult customer and get your own back! Hahahaha! Really lament this one big time, and make suggestions about the unethical nature of your company, how they often beat you “with chains in the staff room”, and how you once ate a Pot Noodle as that’s the only food they serve. Become increasingly belligerent and end this manic fit by dropping to the floor and thrashing your arms and legs about. Hurray!

Ignore The Customer In Favour Of Promoting Communist Propaganda

Whoooooo!
Whoooooo!

Whatever the customer’s beef, simply ignore them and go on a verbose rant about the excellence of Marxist/Communist principles. Hand leaflets to the person whilst using a thick Russian accent, and add “comrade” onto the end of sentences. Wink knowingly at arbitrary intervals, and insist the ghost of Lenin has been visiting you in your dreams to inform you of an impending Communist party with a free balloon and marshmallow bag. Invite the person along and insist the marshmallows are edible and not made out of cement.

Dance Like A Giraffe!

Pop group Giraffe Direction (One Direction - get it, eh?) strut their funky stuff during their smash hit single Can't Giraffe You Out Of My Head.
Pop group Giraffe Direction (One Direction – get it, eh?) strut their funky stuff during a performance of their smash hit single “Can’t Giraffe You Out Of My Head”.

Listen intently to the customer’s complaints/demands, just dance around like a giraffe whilst they do bemoan their fate. Need to learn some funky dance moves? Don’t worry about it, giraffes are about as rhythmic as a dead rat which has just been fired from a cannon into a solid iron wall. This means, effectively, you just thrust your limbs about manically until your fall over.

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