How To Have The Perfect Wedding Day!


Are you betrothed!?!??!? Then you will wish for your special day to go the way of perfection. “But, lo, what is perfection, Professional Moron?” Perfection, dear idiots, is stuff like Big Macs that look like they do on the McDonald’s adverts (instead of being the standard splodge), cheese sandwiches, fluffy pillows, freshly mown grass, Robin Reliants, cheese cake, men with perfectly combed hair, and ladies with pedantically plucked eyebrows. Imperfection is as follows; smelly man feet, shirts which haven’t been ironed, mouldy bread, cars without any of those air fresheners you hang on that mirror thing, and cookies with raisins instead of chocolate chips. Heinous crimes towards humanity… every single one of them!

As a bride or groom you will be eager to cement your relationship with your “I dos” without the whole Universe imploding on itself. Indeed, EVERYTHING must go perfectly. EVERYTHING! So if everyone receives a free cupcake on entry to the church, every single one MUST have 4 chocolate chips on top. Not 1, 2, 3, or 4… 5! We mean 4! If a commis chef ****s it up then behead him on the spot with a ladle! Anyway, onwards with the advice, eh?


Do Not Hold The Wedding During A World War

"But, darling, I said I didn't want any Nazi soldiers at the wedding!"
“But, darling, I said I didn’t want any Nazi soldiers at the wedding!”

It would probably be a good idea to NOT hold your wedding during the midst of war! However, if you must hold it during wartime, tt would be a particularly good idea to have the ceremony during a carpet bombing mission, or when invaders are but a few hundred yards away. This may seem obvious but, you know, the frantic desire to get married makes some people do odd things, such as doing it during a lull in the mayhem.

To Avoid Nerves Get Very Drunk

Yes, even the cats need to get drunk.
Yes, even the cats need to get drunk.

Nothing spoils a wedding quite like the old butterflies in the stomach. The best way around this, for all concerned (we mean everyone – the vicar, guests, bride, groom, best man, worst man) to get utterly wasted about an hour before the ceremony begins. Okay, so there may be some vomit on the aisle, the band are too pissed to perform Pachelbel’s Canon in D, and grandma’s slumped out unconscious, but there will be one abiding memory from your Perfect Day – no one was nervous.

Do Not Issue Marxist Propaganda To Guests

Stirring up some controversy is okay, so long as you do so within all cultural regimes.
Stirring up some controversy is okay, so long as you do so within all cultural regimes.

After all, some of them might not like that type of thing. Indeed, keep an open mind and hand out all manner of leaflets, such as “Give Blood” and “Quit Smoking” ones. Do not be a hypocrite; embrace multi-culturalism. Do away with health concerns to boot, and liberally hand out, “Here’s Why You Should Begin Smoking” pamphlets, and have shots of heroin at the ready for whoever feels like they’re up to giving it a whirl. It’s such a perfect day, after all, so don’t diss your notion of the Perfect Wedding, eh?

Hire A Lot Of Servants

"Drink this champagne or I will beat you with the bottle, sir."
“Drink this champagne or I will beat you with the bottle, sir.”

You’re going to need lots of people to make this special day extra special, so why snot hire some slaves… sorry, servants, for the whole day and pay them next to nothing. Hike barbarism up a notch and whip them with steel rods whenever they lack enthusiasm. For instance, you’ll want everyone to be crying with sheer emotion as you say your vows, so get the slaves to beat your guests until they cry, and in return guests can strike the slaves. The result should be a lavish display of wailing agony/delight as you come to your “I do!”s. How romantic! If you’ve managed to stave off the Nazis up to now they’ll respect this aspect of marriage and back off outside. Until after the ceremony, of course, at which point they’ll push you over into the mud.

Invite Bitter Exes

These things are always useful at a wedding.
These things are always useful at a wedding.

You know just how goddamn hot a commodity you are – builders once yelled stuff at you from on top of makeshift scaffolding. What more proof do you need? Well, to further boost your already rampaging ego, why not invite all your exes along so they can stare at your gorgeousness and seethe inwardly. Hahahahaha! Keep a shotgun on hand, mind, in case any of them lose it and decide to assault the groom with a caviar and cream layered cracker.

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