Really Embarrassing Stuff You’ll Want To Avoid Next Week

Omg, how embarrassing! What a clutz! etc.

TOdaY WE take a look at why we, as human beans, should be avoiding the mistakes and stuff we’re about to list. Quite. But first we ask ourselves duh question; why do humans get embarrassed? Simples – evolution! The human brain is so complex not even Bob the Builder knows how it works, and he can usually fix everything. So if he can’t, what chance do you have, stupid? None, that’s what.

What you can do, however, is make sure you avoid embarrassing moments entirely, thusly you shall be spared any embarrassment. Which would be ace, we have to admit. Now we’re going to spare you stuff like falling over in public (always mortally shameful), stumbling over a pavement, forgetting your PIN code on your credit/debit card at the checkout, and/or calling someone you only know reasonably well by a different name. Yes, these are shameful moments for anyone, but we’re on about those moments which would see you potentially incarcerated for the sheer mind crushing embarrassment they would cause. You know, like leaving your house without trousers on. *giggle snort guffaw* Funny! But embarrassing. So, read on for more, you feeble idiots, you!

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Smelling Like Cabbage

No one should be this happy with a cabbage.
No one should be this happy with a cabbage.

We’re going to make the wild assumption some of you reading this may well be on the Cabbage Soup Diet. It’s a bit of a manic assumption, indeed, but all the same it’s Sunday and you may be having cabbage with your Roast Dinners. Or maybe you just like hanging around with your pet rabbit, or frolicking amongst the cabbages of your cabbage patch. Whichever one of the above is, you’re going to not want to smell like the stuff. Just embarrassing, eh?

Reading 50 Shades of Grey In Public

So greeeeeeeyyyy....
So greeeeeeeyyyy….

You really, really, REALLY want to avoid this. If you simply HAVE to read this raving bestseller then have the dignity to do so using your Kindle, rather than holding the book for all to see. If you have to read the book, hide it inside a copy of The Twilight Saga, or something. Anything to avoid the ignominy of being seen with modern pulp crap in public.

Fouling Yourself in Skinny Jeans

"YOLO mofo! Yo' go' an problim wiv mas skinny jeens, biatch!?!?!?! LOLZ!!!!"
“YOLO mofo! Yo’ go’ an problim wiv mas skinny jeens, biatch!?!?!?! LOLZ!!!!”

Hipsters beware! Skinny jeans aren’t cool, blud! Waddup?!? Not that our ranting will alter your opinion, but if you had a colossal bowel failure whilst trapped in a pair of these skin tight things you’re in for a really rough thyme of it. You have been warned, you emaciated runts, you!

Going Into McDonald’s And Asking For A Subway Sandwich

I want my sandwich!
I want my sandwich!

Can you imagine the sheer contemporary HORROR and SHAME of doing something like this? The McDonald’s staff would be all, like, “Lolz… u a bit fick or wot? LOL!” and you’d be all, like, “I want my Subway Sandwich with extra cheese and toast it 5 seconds longer than normal! You hear me?! I am The Queen of England!” All very embarrassing, of course, to boot. Shame on you.

Accidentally Pelting A Mother’s Pram

You call that a pram? THIS is a pram!
You call that a pram? THIS is a pram!

Mothers. They tend to overreact a bit when it comes to their children, particularly if the kid’s still in a pram and you happen to accidentally whack it one with your stupid big man feet. Luckily this hasn’t happened to Mr. Wapojif yet, but his suitcase did once tap a mother’s pram on a train and she utterly exploded. The child? Fast asleep. Didn’t even move. So imagine if you accidentally KICKED a pram big thyme and the kid burst into tears! You’d be deaded, sir. Deaded.

2 comments

  1. i like that about the pram. it happened to me. i put my backpack on it, and the kid was not even in it, but the mother who was sitting opposite immediately came a mother with a baby is like a lioness with her cub.

    Like

    • Cripes, you’re one of the lucky ones who survived. I had a run in with a very angry mother in Tesco recently over the most minor little thing.

      I think it’s a “Don’t let them see the whites of your eyes!” scenario most of the time.

      Like

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