Professional Moron’s Lonely Hearts Column!

Online romance
Ah, so romantic!

About a year ago we did a Dating Column for our readers. It didn’t do very well. However, we’re not ones to back away from an idea and, consequently, we’ve done a follow up Lonely Hearts column to assuage our reader’s lust for social interactivity. So we’ve gone and done it again; we’ve made a fantabulous reaction from people (we advertised for participants away from this site so as to surprise you all) and we’ve successfully siphoned out the more psychotic psychopaths and weirdoes who contacted us.

Thusly we have a glorious list of the very best human beings from around the world. Don’t let potential distances worry you – love is love and, as a consequence, we’ve not included locations. You’ll just have to find out; if it means moving to the middle of the Australian Outback then so be it! True love is, after all, like a sandwich; made up of two slabs of bread with filling. Okay, so that analogy isn’t very good, so just impute your concept into its place.

So, if you see anyone you like head over to our ABOUT page and contact us with your Box of interest. We’ll send them your details and, if you don’t come across as hideously insane, they might send you something back! We can feel the budding romance budding away right now and, frankly, it’s making us quite nauseous. Let’s get this over with, dammit!

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Men Seeking Women

Nicolaus Copernicus isn't single (as he's dead), but many other men are!
Nicolaus Copernicus isn’t single (as he’s dead), but many other men are, ladies!

Box #1 – Extremely handsome, rich, successful doctor seeks heavily overweight working class mother of at least a dozen children. Must have severe smoking habit, accompanying hacking cough, foul temper, and profanity laden general conversation.

Box #2 – Extraordinarily ugly layabout and ASBO gathering chav seeks highly attractive leggy blonde. In truth, is a complete and utter bastard, but his one great redeeming feature is his chronic smoking addiction which, should, lead to an early demise.

Box #3 – Morally ambiguous, but thoroughly charming, Criminal Lawyer seeks ageing Millionairess for safeguarding of her personal fortune. Must be on her last legs; chronic alcoholics, Class A narcotic addicts, or terminal illness sufferers preferable.

Box #4 – Perpetually drunk and stoned hippy seeks morally righteous teetotaller for blazing arguments about abstinence. Must enjoy general belligerence and mindless debating about support groups.

Box #5 – Staunch Communist seeks Patriotic American for embarrassing dinner table arguments. Would like to make visiting friends feel awkward and our children must grow up to be emotionally devastated by the continuous blazing rows. Extremely attractive women only.

Women Seeking Men

Catherine II the Great isn't available, fellas, but she is a fine example of a woman YOU could date TODAY!
Catherine II the Great isn’t available, fellas, but she is a fine example of a woman YOU could date TODAY!

Box #6 – Woman seeking total bastard. Doesn’t mind being beaten up. You must own a Wife Beater shirt and have a dreadful sense of humour, and be prone to bouts of superfluous football hooliganism. Indoctrination of children vital – by age five I want them to have criminal records.

Box #7 – Pleasant, plain looking girly girl seeks ridiculously good looking male to contribute to her tremendous esteem issue problems. Must have several affairs with attractive women during relationship, before settling down with muggins here as my job draws in the moolah. No pets.

Box #8 – Foul mouthed mother of 15 seeks reprobate rogue who is likely to make off with what little money I have. Must be able to handle severe smoker’s cough, smoker’s stench, and 15 extremely poorly disciplined layabout kids. Own caravan would be desirable. No time wasters, please.

Box #9 – Britney Spears lookalike seeks her Jason Donovan doppelganger. Or Jason Donovan. Must know all the lyrics to Jason Donovan’s songs, and must have encyclopaedic knowledge of Jason Donavon’s career. Will be frequenting numerous Jason Donovan and Britney Spears lookalike competitions. No Kylie fans welcome.

Box #10 – Woman with peculiarly shaped head seeks male with similarly distorted cranium. Hobbies include sweating (must love saunas) and sleeping (over 15 hours a day).  Not overly fond of human company, so please expect moody silences and possible violence aimed in your direction.

Men Seeking Men

Henry VIII had six wives, but no husbands. Just as well, eh? Think of all those lucky guys who got to keep their bonce!
Henry VIII had six wives, but no husbands. Just as well, eh? Think of all those lucky guys who got to keep their bonce!

Box #11 – Angry man seeks equally angry man for furious arguments about who is angriest. Must be so angry friends and relatives begin to complain about our endless anger. Absolutely NO laid back people. Searing fury only!

Box #12 – Extremely well toned gym addict seeks layabout fatso for emotional bullying – partner must make my general feeling of narcissism soar. Expect to be reduced to floods of tears regularly. Must also like sleeping on the sofa, as you’ll be so upset you’ll be on that thing a lot!

Box #13 – Admittedly somewhat unintelligent male seeks genius for humiliating debates. I like to discuss why “Everything Happens For A Reason” based on my thoroughly limited understanding of Buddhism. I am vacuous, bitter, vindictive, shallow, and stupid. I am also garrulous, so don’t expect to get a word in edgeways.

Box #14 – Football hating male seeks football loving male so my devious machinations can come to fruition whilst you’re out watching the match. Expect random crashes and bangs whilst I work in my secret laboratory.

Box #15 – Slob seeks slob to lounge about getting increasingly obese in front of the telly. Aiming for the Guinness Book of Records for “World’s Most Obese Gay Couple”. NB: I am not actually gay, but I want this record bad! Must be able to act along with this façade or else you’re out.

Women Seeking Women

Joan of Arc hates men. Good on her!
Joan of Arc hates men. Good on her!

Box #16 – Angst ridden woman seeks equally anxiety ridden mess for endless panic attacks and self-loathing. Would also like to purchase a tandem bike, so save up. We’ll be going everywhere on it!

Box #17 – Morbidly obese woman seeks pretty little thing to run about and fetch her all manner of high fat foods. Must not mind being ordered about in a deeply masculine voice. I require a crane to be moved about, so crane owners only may apply.

Box #18 – Recently released from an insane asylum, I am keen to integrate myself back into society with a few dates. Don’t really have a “type” so all ages/body sizes are welcome. Please note; I am extraordinarily pretty, but prone to violent shrieking fits and hallucinations. I also detest fat people, and blondes.

Box #19 – Strange looking young lady seeks ravishing beauty to mindlessly adore, even if you’re a bit of a high maintenance bitch. Hobbies include the following; swimming in canals, collecting aluminium cans, reading Fifty Shades of Grey, and picking my nose.

Box #20 – Highly attractive redhead seeks highly attractive brunette for general flaunting of our superiority over men and society in general. I am arrogant, vain, narcissistic, and generally loathable, but as I’m hot I expect adoration from you and the laymen. Strictly no ugly people!

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