Is It Possible To Eat Cake Through Your Ears?


We’re always going on about cake here at Professional Moron, but we don’t actually eat that much of the stuff. We don’t hate it. No, we love cake, but the point is we don’t want to weigh 30 stone by the thyme we’re 30. Mr. Wapojif is 28 and wishes to be able to move around without the assistance of a personalised bulldozer. It’s all about personal goals, you see. However, these aims aside Mr. Wapojif has always wondered if it would be possible to eat stuff in different ways. Human beings may have evolved a long way over the last few hundred thousand years, but we still (primarily) use our mouths to get stuff into us. This is old hat; an anachronism us humans need to sway away from. Indeed, think about the future when we’re sunbathing on a beach with aliens on Venus – do you think our cosmic friends will look kindly on us if they’re stuffing ice cream into their ears and we’re jamming it into our stupid mouths? Exactly, we have to do the politically correct thing there and resort to their cultural practices as, you know, they’re the ones with the planet destroying Phazon Thermonuclear Earth Destroyer apps on their mobile phones. So, don’t miff them orf, dammit!

HARK! Back to the most pressing issue – can one eat cake through one’s ears? Our intrepid editor gave it some welly he really did (with some cheese cake to be precise) but all jamming the stuff into his ears resulted in was an ear plug type result. So, if you want to open a new business endeavour for Cheese Cake Ear Plugs then feel free to take advantage of our experiment, but in terms of actual cake consumption it has to be the usual standard; open jaw, stuff down face. Alien eradication awaits!


    • Indeed! I found this stunning fact about Jaffa Cakes, incidentally; “Jaffa Cakes are technically classified as cakes, not biscuits. Chocolate biscuits are subject to VAT at 17.5 per cent, but cakes are zero-rated. In 1991 the British government tried to have Jaffa Cakes reclassified as biscuits. McVitie’s vigorously opposed this, as it would have added considerably to the price. As part of their evidence to the VAT tribunal they baked a special 12-inch Jaffa Cake to demonstrate the product’s inherent cakiness, and won the case.”

      It doesn’t mention whether “they” tried consuming it through their ears or nose, though. Which is a shame.


        • Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrreally? We guess they’re not sold abroad then as they’re all over the place in England. This continental dessert difference is confusing, as in England Twinkies and Oreos aren’t “big”. We just donut sell them. We do sell donuts, though, and Krispy Creme donut stores have opened up, and I now, consequently, weigh 45 stone.


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