Exclusive Recipe: Ham and Jam Soup

Strawberries around a jar of jam
Jam! What’s missing is the soup.

Hello there, everyone, and happy weekend! Now in the past we invented the wondrous ham and jam sandwiches, so we felt it only natural to take this to its logical conclusion (i.e. make the brilliant combination into a different type of food).

We did think about adding spam to the list of ingredients (and cornflakes) but, frankly, why should you ruin the whole enterprise with that guff?

Indeed, stick with ham and jam and you’ll have a most glorious meal the likes of which you’ll have never seen, or tasted, before.

The Badness of Ham and Jam Soup

Start with a Marmite stock (use Bovril if you’re out of marmite) and procure for yourself around 30 slices of ham, and half a dozen jars of your favourite jam preserve.

Gently heat the marmite or Bovril on the hob for up to 120 seconds.

Whilst it’s heating up, shred the ham and fling it into the mix, before adding the jam. Mix it all together as violently as possibly, whilst adding in:

  • Black pepper
  • Turmeric
  • Sage
  • Thyme
  • Aspic

Leave to simmer for 15 minutes. Whilst you wait, perhaps enjoy some of the mayonnaise soup you enjoyed making earlier!

Now, when this thing is finished it’s not going to look good. In truth, it kind of looks like a very disgusting cow pat from a very poorly cow.

Indeed, you’re not winning any aesthetic awards with this thing, but the taste should make up for it big time.

The dish is a popular soup at dinner parties and you can wow guests by adding additional glitz and glamour (such as sticking fireworks into the soup, and then setting them off as you serve).

Of course, caviar adds added oomph aplenty to any dish (yes, even Pot Noodles!) and you should lavish the Ham and Jam soup with the stuff for additional bonus points.

One final thing you must remember! Don’t forget to serve a great big slab of cheese with the soup in order to take the harsh taste of Marmite away from time to time. Enjoy!

Dispense with some gibberish!

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