Exclusive Invention: The Peaboard (better than a keyboard)

Peas, before becoming a peaboard.

There are a lot of peas in this world and not all of them can be eaten by humans. Thusly, we’ve realised there needs to be a way to ensure all the peas can fulfill their destiny and be used in some way. Should our mission fail? Well, we’ll all die hideously due to a surplus of peas, that’s what will happen. Crushed by peas! This isn’t just the rambling of dangerously insane halfwits, either, as look what happened at [insert dubious event from history in a feeble attempt to convince our readers].

As such, the peaboard is a brilliant way to use up roughly 101 peas per peaboard. That’s 101,000 peas should we be able to make 1,000 peaboards – think of the lives that would save! It’s just Professional Moron doing its bit for the planet, ensuring those little green blobs become effective means of communication. Want to find out more? Of course you do! Read on, pea-obsessed readers!

The Peaboard

Once hooked up to electricity, the peaboard is quite sublime as a typing implement. So efficient is it, in fact, that you’ll be able to type ultra-fast (partially as you’ll get electric currents surging through you with each press of a pea). The peaboard will also gradually cook as the day goes along, meaning at the end of your office shift you can eat the peaboard for dinner.

It typically liquefies into a type of soup, which does make typing somewhat difficult as the day winds on. You’ll start to lose certain keys, so you’ll have to get inventive and innovate with words – create your own language thanks to the peaboard. Use it to communicate to other peaboard users – form a dastardly clique and become known as the peaboardists! Write a book about your experiences, watch it get turned into a Hollywood blockbuster starring Brad Pitt… all thanks to the peaboard!

Well, that’s just a possible outcome right there. Most peaboard owners don’t reach such lofty heights, but you’ll still be able to type at your desk job and dream big, plus round up your day with a hearty, health, and nutritious dinner that includes your skin flakes and whatever germs you’ve managed to hammer into the keyboard during the working day.

Our Keyboard Range

With our keyboards selling like hot soup (12 shifted so far!), we’ve expanded our business due to qualitative and quantitative ideation based on thought leadership and manageable equity delineation. This has ensured we have been able to obtain thought leadership through blue sky thinking, deep dive ideating, and peas.

The results? The fleaboard and the peeboard. The former involves acquiring many fleas (due to a lack of interest in flea circus acts these days, many fleas are looking for new careers), the later urine. We’ve been warned by our shareholders there isn’t a profitable market for pee – we argue otherwise. You seen Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice? There’s a pee subplot in that. This proves the market is there.

We also came up with the brieboard, for cheese enthusiasts. However, this proved positively disgusting to use during our beta tests as you just mush the brie up – the stench is atrocious. Worse than man feet. We have similar issues with the peeboard, to be honest, but we’re presuming anyone stupid enough to buy such a product won’t mind the stink.


  1. Well, I surely had this one all wrong! I was thinking in terms of music peaboards… you know: pianos, organs and even the frets on a guitar, or in this case, the peas on a guitar’s neck. Hahaha, am I mentally impeaded or what? Lol
    Perhaps, if there is to be a glut of peas taking over the world, criminals could use up some of the extra peas for Pea Bargaining. Just a thought.

    Liked by 1 person

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