Startling paranoia and mesmerising contempt for reality? How dare you judge our judgement! First, listen to the facts.

Strange Hamster Behaviour

Professional Moron’s office pet, Keith the Syrian hamster, has been acting odd lately. We checked out guide to hamsters, but this didn’t have any proper information.

His sleeping hours have changed a bit, he’s been cleaning himself more (kind of like James Bond keeps himself prim and proper), and he made a death defying jump the other day.

This has led us to a terrifying conclusion: Keith is a spy from the government determined to note, denote, and keep afloat Professional Moron’s adherence with British society.

Last year (which we were banned from reporting at the time), we went on a four man riot in London to protest inflating yoghurt prices. We were arrested. Now it’s clear the government has bugged our property… in the most unlikely of forms. Here is the evidence:

• Mr. Wapojif loudly proclaimed yesterday, “Goddamn and blast it! I do hope there be no bills in the mail today!”. What do you think was in the mail? BILLS! Also, an interesting flier for a “2 for 1” pizza deal at the local kebab joint.
• Keith has a habit of standing on his back legs and looking interested in stuff when the Professional Moron staff are talking.
• When fed, Keith dashes straight to his bedroom of paper bits where he rustles about. He’s clearly collating secret information about Professional Moron.
• Keith’s aforementioned hedonistic jump from some height to the office floor. Not only was he unharmed, he was utterly indifferent to it all. What manner of trickery is this!? The government has trained him to be a Super Hamster!

We admit the evidence isn’t all there, and we’re not moronic or pathetic enough to consign ourselves to mindless conspiracy theories in the face of little evidence.

However, it’s overt to us that Keith has been brainwashed by the British government to spy on our activities. There is no other option but to go on a four man riot of London in order to protest this injustice perpetrated upon us!

For England, James? No… as Braveheart himself asserted, “They can take our lasagne, but they can never take… OUR FETTUTCINE!”