The Violently Tragic History Of The Sieve

A sieve in all its glory.
A sieve in all its glory.

Sieves are great for all manner of reasons. Need something sieving? Get your sieve! Don’t need to sieve something? Leave the sieve in its kitchen drawer! As implements go, this one has it all.

The most incredible thing about the sieve, though, is its tumultuous history. You see, sieves evolved from colanders around 10,000 years ago. Since this evolutionary step, the modern culinary world has been violently split between what to use when straining freshly boiled rice.

A History of the Sieve

The purists state it was the kitchen god, the legendary Ronald McDonald, who made it clear the colander should strain out all food products: Food Commandment 3.4: “Thou must straineth boiled rice in thy colander, or suffer food from a sub-par restaurant for thy remaining days! Also, Big Macs only 99p!”.

Free thinking radicals (such as Gordon Ramsey and Nigella Lawson) firmly state this is an anachronism, and a sieve is now the economical way. Sadly, many freshly boiled rice segments have been lost to kitchen basins the world over due to the Ronald McDonaldites, for colanders and their big gaps mean unfortunate rice bits plunge to a terrifying fate down the drain. For shame, sir!

When sieves first broke out on their own from colanders they weren’t in their current state. Dishevelled and stinking of SO (sieve odour – the sieve equivalent of human’s BO, except the stink is usually of vegetables and rice), they had no handle and were a vaguely spherical wire type thing. Over thousands of

Over thousands of years they got their act together and morphed into the shape we now know and love. Professional Moron stands proudly on the side of the sieve. Boiled rice deserves a humane fate, and the colander is a barbaric and amateurish way of going about separating the rice from the scolding hot water. Do the right thing – sieve it!

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