Good Will Hunting has been out since 1997 and Professional Moron is still confused about Matt Damon. Being all smug, like all maths geniuses are, he’s won a date with Mini Driver and boasts, “How d’you like them apples?” Our response to this would be, “Eh?!”.

For a start he’s grammatically incorrect. It’s not “them apples”, you blonde haired moron. You may be a maths genius, kid, but you’re grammer ain’t no good, son. Respect your elders. This is beside the point, though, as the saying is barely comprehensible.

Why would anyone gloat about some apples? It doesn’t make sense. Sure apples are pretty cool, but you’re not going to show off about a hot date by showboating your ability to fruit tree prune.

Apples

The “joke” in Good Will Hunting goes as follows. Matt Damon asks his fellow Blondie,” Do you like apples?”

Blondie nods nonchalantly, although there’s a hint of disgruntled resignation there, and Matt Damon goes, “Well I got her number. How d’you like them apples?”

Cue childish guffawing from Matt Damon’s idiot friends, and a sanctimonious expression from Matt Damon.

Real life doesn’t function like the movies, though, and in Professional Moron’s world there has been nothing but nearly two decades of confusion.

• What in the name of whatever does the joke mean?
• What have apples got to do with anything?
• Is Matt Damon making some puerile reference to a woman’s chest department (this has been Mr. Wapojif’s long standing deduction)?
• What the hell is going on?

As it turns out (after a bit of research) it’s an American expression. It’s a way of going “Take that, yo!” In England the equivalent would be chanting “ONE NIL! ONE NIL! ONE NIL!” at a football team you’ve beaten.

Then you’d get drunk, antagonise the losing team further, and commence a full scale riot. Live and learn, Americans. Apples don’t have a bloody thing to do with bloody anything.