Pie Debate: Are Pies Unhealthy?

Pie
What would happen if you made a pie out of magpies based around the thesis of Pi?

There’s a school of thought which suggests pies are not healthy. We’re going to consider this notion today by tracing the roots of the pie. They were invented by Frenchman Pierre Pierreson – pies were ingrained in his blood from birth (due to his name).

His arduous journey towards culinary genius began with his invention the Magpie. As it was merely an annoying bird, he considered it a failure and soon switched his attention to mathematics. He invented the Pi symbol, but bored with this lot he produced his crowning achievement: obesity promoting wodges of pastry. “EH?!” you shriek, “Are pies bad for you?!” Well…

Are Pies Bad For You?

We’re not going to pretend otherwise: pies are ace. They are mighty tasty and delicious. They are also highly bad for you. Wodges of fat promoting sludge which you may enjoy stuffing into your stupid face, but you’ll feel bad about it afterwards. What ho, you will! Kind of like watching a Pirates of the Caribbean film for Johnny Depp, but coming out five hours later cursing humanity.

Then there’s Life of Pi, the Oscar nominated film. Do you think Hollywood would lie to you about pies? Well yes, you’re right, they would. For a film which deals so openly with starvation and the desire for food (which is what starvation is), it’s really quite incredible pies aren’t brought up at any point between the lion and the young dude.

It could have provided comedic relief, you know? Those two bickering about Butter Pies whilst they slowly emaciated themselves to death. But, no, pies are never mentioned. Despite the title! False advertising, man.

Thusly we’re somewhat hateful towards pies. Dubious beasts of tasty excellence, all they do is make you fat and stupid. Which is a shame, as pies are brilliant. Man… why is food so goddamn CONFUSING!?!?!?!

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