Disappointment is a part of life: it’s that moment when you realise those Push Pop things you liked as a kid aren’t in shops any more, or when you get up in the morning and stub your toe. All these moments make you realise you’re stupid and you want ice cream for breakfast, not porridge.

Obviously having ice cream for breakfast isn’t a possibility, which is another major disappointment. The good news for this is Professional Moron is working to put the ointment back into disappointment! Yes, we’re formulating an ointment which will remove disappointment from your life. Read on to be revolutionised!

The ointment (you may refer to it as a cream if you wish) is made out of mackerel, seaweed, cow urine, donkey droppings, spinach, methylated spirts, salt, aspic, and a slight pinch of cinnamon. It’s heated for 10 hours under a low flame so it turns into a grainy type of paste.

The person wishing to remove disappointment from their lives smears the stuff onto their corpse. At first one will need to ignore the searing agony you will feel (this lasts for several days and may warrant a hospital visit or two), but once this clears you are in the clear to clear out disappointment from your life. Yes, clear horizons await!

Mr. Wapojif tried this formula himself in June 2015. His high pitched shrieks of incessant agony put a serious dent into our productivity, but since the formula took full effect he’s been disappointment free. We believe the intense pain destroy neurons in the brain from recognising disappointment. For instance, Mr. Wapojif went to purchase some kale from the supermarket the other day and they had none – rather than punching the store’s manager in outrage, he accepted this outcome and purchased some cheese instead. Disappointment averted!

As you can see, it works! We shall be marketing the product via digital marketing. Download our app: DisAPPointment. It’s £30 a day and you’ll get the formula to your door first thing every month. Huzzah!