“It were a nail-biting finish!” you often hear working class scumbags grunt as they stagger drunkenly about the place. Indeed, one could reflect, “nail-biting indeed!” Of course you could reflect this way if you’re half insane, as nail-biting is a useless pastime for idiots and morons.

The thing about nail-biting (nailbiting, nail biting – whatever) is nailbiting situations are genuinely nail biting. Why do humans do this? Why don’t we when anxious, say, pick our nostrils? Or do a handstand? Then one would say, “It was a nostril emptying experience!” or “I was so nervous I did a handstand!” with nary a hint of a smirk on your face.

As it stands, though, nail-biting remains a serious disorder which afflicts humanity. Today, Professional Moron lay forth the cure(s).

Don’t get involved in nail-biting scenarios

Pretty straight forward, right? Steer clear of excitement. Avoid danger. Hang around with people who are insipid and as intellectually stimulating as vegetables. This will keep your nails as long as a donkey’s massive protracted tail. Ahem.

Remove your nails

If you peel your nails off then you won’t have anything to chew on, except the stumps of your fingers. Which sounds bloody gross.

Sellotape nails to your nails

Nothing’s going to stop you from biting your nails more than receiving a nail sharp nail to the face. Sellotape some extra sharp, rusty SOBs to your nails and receive an eye opening jab to your gob whenever you absentmindedly try to chew on your hand. That’ll teach you!

Wear gloves, dumbass!

Not fingerless gloves, of course, as that would be a redundant exercise. Glue proper gloves to your hands so you can’t even see your nails. Then smear the gloves with a talcum powder and horse manure paste to remove all chewing temptation!

Get nail extensions

Go Fabulous and get the most fantabulous nails available! Acrylic nails, and nail gel, keep your nails looking polished and unblemished and ace for up to 3 weeks. Smudge free! Professional Moron’s painless false nail fitting service (using a soldering iron and superglue) will have you screaming in agony whilst cooing in admiration at the glorious end result!