Van Security Special: Who Is The Vanguard Of Van Guarding?

Your business

Guarding vans is super important these days as a lot of businesses have vans and most businesses don’t want to see them ransacked. So, like, you can’t just leave them lying about the place willy-bloody-nilly as they’ll get robbed or stolen by opportunistic thugs or stoned Hippies.

Thusly, services such as Professional Moron’s VanGuard have (and has) sprung up to solve the modern van guarding dilemma. Now we’re not arrogant enough to state our van guarding company is the absolute vanguard of van guarding, but we are tasteless enough to insinuate it. Why the bloody hell not? Our van guarding techniques are cutting edge and involve the use of: brutal violence, illegal weaponry, blackmail, petty name calling, and candy floss.

As you can see, this ruthless assault on the industry has very much indeed put us on the frontline of guarding vans. “But why are vans so feeble and desperate?” you whimper, before desperately braying, “Surely modern technology is enough to repel vagabonds?!” Well, dimwit, this isn’t entirely the case. No.

You see the contemporary criminal is a savvy SOB and, thanks to the miracle of steroids, is also incredibly strong. Indeed, criminals are able to pick up your average van and trot off with it to rumble its contents. Rather, this is where Professional Moron’s VanGuard becomes the vanguard of van guarding.

Our solution is so simple a moron could have come up with it! To stop the vans getting stolen, we load them up with several tonnes of body building protein shakes! Thusly, when the hooligan either smashes into the vehicle they will be so in awe of the protein stash, they will actually sit and consume the contents. All you have to do is call the police and sit politely until they arrive.

Indeed, the dazed criminal simply what know what hit him! If you want to hit him as well, of course, we provide a free sledgehammer should this concept not work out in the way we previously indicated. Several swift blows to the head should be enough to bring the SOB down, saving your van from considerable peril! Glorious.

Dispense with some gibberish!

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