— Manchester News MEN (@MENnewsdesk) August 14, 2015
It started with a colossal sinkhole. Professional Moron is based in Manchester, which is in the UK, which is on planet Earth. Attributes one can attribute to Manchester include the following: summers which consist of nothing but rain, Fish & Chips, football riots, and some of the best bands in history (Joy Division, The Stone Roses, Frank Sidebottom).
More recently, t’other day in fact, there was a major event near the city centre when the roads gave up and Manchester indecently exposed itself to unwary citizens. So today’s post is more of a diary entry in our lives, as Manchester resembles a kind of war stricken hellhole right now. Ironic, considering it’s the 70th anniversary since WWII ended.
Indeed, there are seemingly a dozen major roadworks operations in effect across Manchester city centre. This is the list of problems:
- Oxford Road (a major public transport/car route into and out of the city centre) is out as a bridge is being removed from existence. This is causing traffic mayhem as the entire road is shut off.
- St. Peter’s Square tram stop (following 4 years of library works – yes, Manchester’s central library was broken for 4 solid years – the stop is next to the library) is out of action with major construction work. This is causing utter chaos, but there is a bus replacement service in operation.
- This does mean the city centre trams are out. Yes, if you want to get a tram across the city centre… tough! You’re walking. Thankfully this will be fixed within a month… although only with a single line, meaning the route will be exceptionally slow and inadequate, as construction work continues for the next 10 months.
- As a byproduct of St. Peter’s Square, Mosley St. is almost entirely out of action – blocking key bus and car routes. This also means the road is blocked entirely, so citizens have to hustle their way down construction sites in order to reach Deansgate for public transport. This is a 20 minute walk.
- Through roads Portland Street and Princess Street are also out due to roadworks – these are right in the city centre. This is causing all sorts of issues.
- Meantime, over at Manchester Arena, Trinity Way has a batch of roadworks which mean traffic has been reduced to single file on one lane.
- The Mancunian Way (a major road dealing out thousands of cars in and around the city) disaster means there will be roadworks fixing the hole for the next 5 weeks, which will cause severe congestion.
- Thankfully, part of Mancunian Way is open! Unfortunately, more roadworks mean most of it is partially closed and won’t alleviate any of the current problems.
Consequently, commuters would be best advised to use a Metrolink tram to get into Manchester city centre. They can’t do this, of course, as the trams are out! Peter Cushing of Metrolink insisted this was the best time to do the works, as it would create the minimum amount of disruption… right as the football season starts, in the city with the biggest team in the world.
Any citizens trying to walk around all this work will find it life threateningly difficult to traverse the bomb sites and packed roads up through the city on their perilous journey. Of course, there is the bus replacement service! But it’s busy stuck in relentless traffic due to the myriad of other problems.
Not that this gets us down! We are British, after all, stiff upper lip, what what! Typically, Mancs have turned the site into something of a tourist attraction. Behold:
— Manchester News MEN (@MENnewsdesk) August 18, 2015
First world problems, Bruce, first world problems! We agree – it injects absurdity into one’s daily routine. And if there’s one thing we love, it’s absurdity! We also like complaining, being British, which is why we’ve dedicated today’s post to grumbling about having to WALK.
All very jolly, right? So we put it to YOU: which is your favourite gaping Earth wound? Let us know in the comments. Or don’t. We donut give a damn.