In a recent post (Manchester Sinkhole Spotting) we postulated the obvious answer to Manchester’s sinkhole problem was Graboid monsters from 1990 comedy/horror flick Tremors (starring Fred Ward and Kevin Bacon) were on a rampage.
Many scoffed at this suggestion. Indeed, one man choked on a Meat & Potato pie after reading our statement, but was swiftly saved by a punch to the face and the Heimlich manoeuvre. It has since become apparent, however, our assertion is truly accurate. Indeed, as one of Manchester’s prisoners take to the rooftops (aping the events of 1990 comedy/horror flick Tremors) we can reveal Graboids have invaded Manchester!
The Graboid is an enormous worm like creature with a mouth which is perfectly evolved to consume humans. Medusa like tentacles spew forth from aforementioned mouth, and the Graboids sense prey via vibrations they hear. This, unfortunately, has led to several sinkholes across Manchester as the stupid beasts inadvertently attacked three of the 26 construction sites currently plaguing the city centre. This resulted in some massive sinkholes, which are caused by the beasts pictured below:
That’s a Graboid, from 1990 comedy/horror flick Tremors (starring Fred Ward and Kevin Bacon). The holes it’s been making look like this:
Its rampage mortified a prisoner in Manchester’s notorious Strangeways prison, whom was canny enough to take to the rooftops of the building in order to flee the giant worm monsters. This is, incidentally, exactly what the citizens besieged by the monster do in Tremors. Coincidence? Not on your life! Behold:
— Manchester News MEN (@MENnewsdesk) September 15, 2015
It’s presumed by Professional Moron the man is shouting warnings down to the gathered law enforcement and citizens about the Graboids, showing even psychotic law breakers are capable of empathy. However, due to his impenetrable Mancunian accent, no one has any idea what he’s saying.
The situation has been exacerbated as in 1990 there was a much publicised riot at Strangeways in which prisoners ransacked the place and took control of the rooftops for some 3 weeks, eventually causing over £50 million in damage. Clueless imbeciles (also known as “citizens”), believing the prisoner’s trip to the roof to be a protest, subsequently gathered for a “protest party” last night, seemingly oblivious to the danger the Graboids pose to this great city.
Professional Moron urges the general public to take all due precautions in the face of this Graboid threat – scale the building nearest to you and await the arrival of Kevin Bacon to save the day. It is the only solution to a most disconcerting dilemma.