Professional Moron’s esteemed editor, Mr. Wapojif, was tragically struck down by the common cold late this week. It’s a tear jerking story which has led to sniffles, sneezing, coughing, lethargy, irritability, and a general desire to eat nothing but soup (or shoep, in our case). What caused this illness? We hate to make wild accusations, but it was without doubt cold calling. We don’t need proof.

The common cold is not to be mistaken as the uncommon cold. Indeed, the latter is for posh people only. The former afflicts proletariat scumbags such as Mr. Wapojif, he being the type to receive cold calls from companies who think this anachronistic outbound marketing practice is perfectly welcome. It isn’t, so stop being stupid.

Mr. Wapojif received a cold call last week about mobile phone providers. Within hours of the call he was stricken with the first signs and symptoms of a cold: runny nose, sneezing, and the two-thousand-yard stare. Indeed, he even sneezed into his soup and get mess all over his workstation. He has since insisted this be left the way it is, which has left to mould growing on his desk, and flies buzzing around in the office. We despair, we really do.

With great bravery and fortitude, Mr. Wapojif concocted a foul selection of devious ideas with which to destroy the condition. You know what these mysterious things are? Rest, fruit, vegetables, and herbal tea. Mumbo jumbo nonsense, right? Whatever happened to the days when one could down 30 lemsips an hour and go on some lemon crazed paracetamol fuelled bender? Alas, they be gone.

Mr. Wapojif has sneezed so many times everyone around him has used up gazuntite and its variations, as spelled out by Professional Moron in the Remarkable World of Polite Sneeze Responses. Prescient, eh, that we would write such a piece before this? Indeed, so here’s to future days.