So, you read our piece about body odour in the workplace? And now you’re determined to ensure you don’t stink out your office.
But what do you do? How do you know if you don’t stink like a pair of old socks smeared in nuclear waste?
Previously we’ve had BlinkedIn, which was about blinking. But this version of the app is much more suitable for those looking to avoid smelling bad.
Leverage Non-Stinky Smells to Ideate Your Existence
StinkedIn is the app for professionals who don’t want to stink.
Not to complicate matters here, we don’t mean stink at your job. You’ll need a different app for that or some combo of drink/drugs to fuel you through the day with your A game.
StinkedIn is about not smelling bad. It is for the discerning professional who wants to bring their hygiene A game into the office. Picture the following.
Susan (25) arrives to work having smoked three cigarettes that morning. She's also been to the gym and arrives in her gym clothes, all under the belief she can't possibly smell bad as she's young, pretty, and all the guys in the office fall over themselves to make her a cup of tea. Upon arriving to work, she notices her colleagues retching whilst their eyes water. But that can't possibly be due to her! She's far too attractive for that outcome! And so she goes about her day blissfully unaware, convinced she'll get a pay rise by the end of the week.
Susan is a bloody fool! Her boss has noted how bad she smells and instead of a pay rise, he’s planning a pay cut and a demotion!
Susan is in for a nasty shock. Not too far into the distant future, she’ll return home dejected and will burst into tears.
Her career in tatters, she cries herself to sleep that night aware that no one will ever love her. She should have used StinkedIn!
StinkedIn Keeps You Stink Free!
The StinkedIn app is free to download and is equipped with a patented Stench O’Meter.
All you need to do is open the app and hold the app under an armpit of your choice. The app will then respond in real-time to your current smell levels.
We base this on the below rating system:
- Daffodils: You’re as fresh as a daisy field! Congratulations!
- Wet Towel: Oops! You’re a little musty, but you should be okay if you spray yourself with deodorant.
- Old socks and Fags: Oh dear, something went a bit wrong this morning! Maybe book the day off and have another go tomorrow.
- Dead Corpse: Jesus H Christ, what the hell happened to you!? Call an ambulance and get the hell out of your office! You’re a danger to everyone!
Do note, should you trigger the Dead Corpse reading the app will begin blaring a 110 decibel siren as a warning. You can’t turn this noise off until you smell less bad.
Should you, or others around you, pass out due to the smell emergency services will need to deal with the setting in full hazmat suits.
To turn the siren off they can either:
- Spray you with a water cannon until the smell decreases, thusly stopping the siren.
- Crush the phone with a sledgehammer.
The StinkedIn app is £20/$30 a month and comes with a complimentary packet of mints.