Ally McBeal, right, was this popular TV show which starred Calista Flockheart. It ran from 1997 through to 2002, ending on a high with Ally McBeal joining a popular chain of fast food restaurants. This, of course, is a total lie, but there really should have been a spinoff series called Ally McDonald’s. It would have been epic!
Ally McBeal can be considered a precursor to hit TV show Socks and the City, championing femininity through drinking expensive coffee whilst having detailed discussions about hot men. Okay, so this wasn’t a Bechdel Test passing show, but at least Ally McDonald’s would have been a proud achievement in the cap of modern feminism.
Indeed, the show would have followed on from the tear jerking Series 5 finale, where Flockheart’s character moves to New York. Once there, she immediately changed career paths to start flipping burgers in the local McDonald’s. From there, the show would have followed her trials and tribulations as she rose through the ranks, gradually thumping on the weight along the way.
Over the course of five more seasons, Flockheart would have done a Renee Zellweger and gained around 15 stone for the role. Ultimately, she would have become the store’s manager, but in doing so she would have become clinically morbidly obese. This would have realised her dream of working from home, where she would have barked orders at the beleaguered young staff through Skype and FaceTime.
There would have been many laughs, tears, and fist thumping moments over the years. There’s the episode where Ally McDonald’s (she would have changed her name by deed poll) accidentally immersed her arms into a vat of broiling fat. Then there’s that one where she accidentally served a customer a Filet-O-Fish instead of a Big Mac, with the customer losing his mind and demolishing the store armed with only a copy of Justin Bieber’s debut album.
Of course the real highlights were the episodes where Ally fights the fight, such as taking on disrespectful colleagues, and unclogging toilets. There was that episode when 18 year old French Fry specialist Dave kept throwing eggs at her in a failed attempt at flirting. Ally, using her decades of experience, calmly and coolly grabbed the reprobate by the scruff of his neck and jammed his head into the flurry machine. Then there’s the episode where the stores manager, Biff, proposed to Ally. She responded by kicking him in the knackers! That was a good one.
All-in-all, we can confidently claim this would have been the best TV show in history. Even better than Home and Away. What a shame no TV executives are willing to take up our script. This is primetime viewing, dammit!