Lonely Hearts Column: Women Seeking Men & Women

Lonely Hearts Column
I hate you, too.

Once a year we open the Professional Moron office to love and analogous nauseating sentiments. Yes, that’s right, it’s our official Lonely Hearts Column! This year we’ve allowed the usual batch of demented oddballs to post their bizarre yearnings up on our site.

Why do we allow it? Call us magnanimous, altruistic, princely, benevolent, noble, selfless, clement, or demented oddballs if you must. The fact stands – if you’re a man reading this, here are today’s lovely ladies who seek the love of their life. Get in touch if you’re interested (not in us, in them) and we’ll set you up on a blind date at the nearest McDonald’s!

As we’re Humanists here at Professional Moron, we’ve outstretched our liberal arms to welcome in the annual Women Seeking Women section. So if you’re a lady, get in touch if any of these other ladies tick all the figurative boxes. Onwards!*

Women Seeking Men

PrincessCharming31X – I’m looking for my Prince Charming. In order to qualify for my specifications, you’re going to have to be charming and a Prince. If you are neither, please do not hesitate to not contact me. I’ll reiterate: You must be a Prince and Charming to have a chance with me. If your name is Prince Charming, you’re a Prince, and you’re charming, then there’s a strong possibility we’ll hit it off.

missSelfieQueen – Self-confessed Selfie addict seeks a kind man who can put up with my debilitating condition. I take up to a dozen Selfies a minute, which equates to 720 Selfies an hour, and around 7,200 Selfies during my average waking day. HELP ME!!!!

MarriedBabe – I’m 41 and bored of my fat, bald, and idiotic husband. He smells bad and I feel like it’s time I ditch this loser and hook up with a real man. Here’s what I’m looking for: My man MUST have a massive pension pot as I want to retire rich. It doesn’t matter if you’re fat, bald, and stupid, I want the good life when I retire! If this is you, get in touch NOW!

NoBastardsPlease40 – Only apply if you’re not a bastard SOB. I’m a woman of 40. I look like a woman, I act like a woman, and I do not tolerate bastards. You’ve been warned! If you’re a bastard SOB you can take the high-road, mister, as I’m a bastard spotting machine and will boot you back to your bastard hovel in an instant!

BubblyBabe – I’m a bubbly type of girl who’s so bubbly I’m a physical danger to humanity as I could bubble over at any minute and destroy my local vicinity. If you like bubbles, and a girl who never shuts up for a momentary iota, I’ll bubble you off your bubbly feet with my bubbly effervescence!

NonSmokingGal – If you smoke, you’re going to Stoke (On-Trent). Without me! I’m a non-smoking kinda gal and if you think you’re goddamn Marlon Brando in some goddamn film just coz you smoke, well you can ***k right off, you pig! So, as previously indicated, a non-smoking gentleman is required for dates and cuddles. Racists only, please.

SeekingBanter – I’m a girl who likes banter and I bant with whatever banterable banter is available. When you see me, you’ll think, “Shit! I’ll bet she’s got some good banter in her!” You’d be right! I won the World Banter Championship in 2014 and only lost the title this year (2015) because I was caught cheating when I injected ketamine into my eyeballs.

Women Seeking Women

AllMenAreBastards – Because men are the scum of the Earth, I’m pursuing a relationship with a woman. If you enjoy hurling rotten eggs and bricks at men, we’ll get on great! I’m not a violent woman, I just want to rid the planet of the subhuman scum that is masculinity. If you like X Factor, that’s a bonus!! :O)

PieWoman – I seek a fellow woman who enjoys baking pies. Any sorts of pies is good – banana, vanilla and cake, beef, butter, or jam. Will you join me on my pie baking odyssey?!

BoredomBreaker – I have been single for 35 years and I realised I am a bit bored as I can’t talk to anyone about how bored I am. Will you please meet with me so I can, in a lengthy diatribe, rant about my boredom issues? I will supply free cake (chocolate).

Knuckles – Hello. I am 7ft tall and have golden hair which drapes all the way to my knuckles. My knuckles, incidentally, drag on the floor, and I walk with a, sort of, hunched gait whilst making odd grunting noises. My laugh is like a donkey braying, and I snort when laughing. I am, however, extremely rich, so hit me up!

*Join us tomorrow for part 2: If you think we’re ignoring that other gender, don’t worry, women! Tomorrow it’s the men’s turn, and we’ve got some incredible freaks to foist upon you! Men Seeking Women & Men!

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