Lonely Hearts Column: Men Seeking Women & Men

Online Dating Men Seeking Women
Oh dear lord, here come the males.

Right! Online dating is a perturbing beast. Yesterday we hurled some disturbing women in your direction to perturb you all: Women Seeking Men. Today the gentlemen spring forth and offer their gloriousness to the lady readers of Professional Moron. If you like any of the halfwits you come across below, let us know and we’ll set you up on a date at Burger King – all expenses covered (except the bus fare)!

Hold onto your hats, buckle up, and put on your beer goggles, for here come the males, all decked out in stubble, bad aftershave, skinny jeans, and looking fantastic. Wahey!

Men Seeking Women

SkinnyJeanMan – I love skinny jeans and I’m looking for a bird who shares me peculiar fascination with all things skinny. I’m morbidly obese, ironically, but I can still fit into skinny jeans at a stretch, although the stretch shreds the skinny jeans and, consequently, I have to buy a new pair every day. They also severely reduce the circulation of blood to my brain, which may be why my delusional skinny jean infatuation continues unsteadily on its way. HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

BabeMagnet – ‘sup babes? I were voted Handsomest Man at the 2011 Mr. Universe event in da village of Chipping Ongar in 2011. Other stuff I’ve achieved in me life include winning a sandwich making contest at Primary School, and receiving an arrest warrant for rampant misogyny. I are a nice guy tho coz me parole officer seys I am and he knew his stuff coz I am dead nice. No fat birds, tho.

Astronaut2000 – Before you ask – no! LOL! Funny story, I’m NOT an astronaut!!! LOL! I just wanted to be when I was a child, but a bone-crunching incident at a sweet shop in Cornwall destroyed my dream… I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT!! However, I am a nice, friendly, fun, sociable, intellegent, bright, witty, fun, lively, vibrant, talkative, and fun gentleman whose only bad feature is the unsightly growth in the middle of my face. Doctors told me this is my nose, but I don’t trust those ****ers!

GrammerBoy – Call me a Grammer Nazi if you want; but their isn’t nothing wrong with noing you’re yours from you’re yours. You no? If you can’t no the difference – then your know way going to get on with me. Just sayin’. So, if your as pedantic as I am, lets hook up and have a date discussing independent santa clauses and why you shouldnt end a sentence with a proposition.

FatuousPhil – I don’t claim to be the smartest guy around, but I did get a high 1:1 in my Physics degree. So when it comes to qualia based reductionism, and everything else, you can tell my extreme academic abilities will get us everywhere! I may have no emotional intelligence, and completely lack self-awareness, wit, and charm, but I can perform outrageous equations like Matt Damon in Saving Private Ryan, and I’m also a brilliant guitarist. Jimmy Page, move over the new King is here!!

Men Seeking Men

MachoMan – Macho, macho man here seeking effeminate male. Do you wanna be, a macho man? I’ll help you out! At only £50 an hour I’ll teach you squats, burly leering, the art of telling someone to get stuffed, and how to eat a beef burger. Get macho with me!

DaveDave – I am Dave. I am looking for another guy called Dave. The name Dave is reassuring for me and I want to hear that name constantly all day and every day wherever I may be: On the toilet, leaving the toilet, entering the toilet, cleaning the toilet, or making scrambled eggs, I want to hear the name Dave. David would also be acceptable.

BeefcakeScones – I spend 40 hours a week in the gym and possess biceps which are pretty damn disturbing to behold! I can pick up a lorry without so much as wincing, and usually walk through walls instead of opening doors – it’s much easier! I’m looking for a pathetic weakling to boss about. You must be under 5’5″ and generally cower around ridiculously butch men. I also expect you to be able to bake excellent scones because I love them.

ShedFan – I really like sheds. They are my hobby and one true love. I’m looking for a man who also enjoys building, and spending time in, sheds. I have 13 in my back garden – beat that! If you love sheds, and don’t mind the fact I have the aesthetic appeal of a mouldy donut, we should totally meet for coffee in my favourite shed. Call me!!


  1. Wow! So much to choose from. What’s an almost mostly pretty female person to do. Hmm, well, no point harassing myself for a decision, as I can’t come up with the bus fare, anyway. I’m sure someone will pick one of these … erm…. men!
    Thank you Pro Mo (I just came up with this nickname!) ⭐

    Liked by 1 person

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