Why Can’t Crabs Run Forward?

Why do crabs walk sideays
En garde!

Crustaceans have long fascinated us. Whether it was the hilarious Dr. Zoidberg from the Futurama series or physically coming across a crab somewhere (Mr. Wapojif used to loiter on the beaches of Devon as a youth), they’re fascinating and bizarre beasts which have a very clear direction in life – sideways. No other direction will suffice.

Why is this – are they drunk? Are they racist towards walking in a forward fashion? Is it some religious cult they have going which deems walking in a straight line the work of Satan?

We think what must be established here is this – the crab doesn’t give a damn what you think. Indeed, if you try and force one to walk in a straight line all that will happen is it’ll seize you by its mandibles and tear you asunder. Cripes!

Crabs: It’s Not a Forward Thinking Matter

To walk forwardd is to be progressive – this is the nature of a liberal society. Thusly, it is clear crabs are on the far right. We haven’t seen any hanging around Donald Trump’s demonstrations, but that’s probably because they can’t physically get there. They’re so far to the right they can only walk in a bizarre sideways motion. Freaks!

We must remonstrate with crabs about this. Perhaps a vigorous leaflet campaign would sway them: “Crabs – Snip Out Of It!” This is clever as it is a pun on the sharp mandibles which, as we all know, are powerful enough to slice a human finger in two. These little psychopaths know no limits!

Of course, when they’re not busy saluting the right these busy little creatures lead ordinary lives.

They forage in the oceans of the world and populate thousands of kitchens as well. Their inherent deliciousness is one of the main problems for the crab – humans can simply grab them by the sides and those puny claws won’t bend to reach you. Mwahahahaha!

Dead Man’s Fingers

The crab has one final weapon in its deadly arsenal – dead man’s fingers. These are the grey things which linger on the underside of its shell.

If consumed by mistake, the foul taste is apparently enough to convert even the staunchest of leftists into a manic, braying hooligan. As transformations in your mental state go, this is a biggy.

If you’re already a right winger, eating dead man’s fingers will simply strengthen your resolve and allow you to find peace of mind in your viewing of societal change as pure evil.

Foods which will lessen your resolve include: ice cream, spinach, black beans, anchovy and marmite soup, haggis, and scrambled eggs.

It is said if a crab were to eat the aforementioned dishes in one foul swoop, they would instantaneously be capable of walking forward.

Such is the power of food, which is somewhat paradoxical given crabs are food, on the human spirit. Onwards, gluttony! Onwards.


  1. I was following the whole sideways Donald Trump crab thing, until you mentioned the dread haggis.
    “Run little crabs, run, run sideways, whatever just run.”
    I’m not sure, but I think there may just be an underlying message here. Like… crab haggis becoming a gourmet event at Trump Hotels worldwide. No doubt topped w/ a Marmite crème.


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