Exclusive Recipe: Anchovy and Marmite Soup!

Anchovy and Marmite Soup
After you’ve tasted this, you’ll be heading to casualty.

Right, the central concept behind this soup is to trigger an international health scare about salt content levels in supermarket bought soups. We’re quite disgusted a diminutive tin of soup can contain up to HALF of your daily recommended allowance of salt (that’s 6g if you’re a consenting adult). Proper WTF – why is it necessary to include that much salt? It doesn’t enhance the flavour in any way. Why not stick in 0.5g for the whole tin? No! Unless it’s half your daily allowance it’s not cutting it!

As a consequence of this absurdity, we’re taking things and making them mega. Yes, by combining two of the saltiest products know to humanity and creating a soup out of them (which, of course, necessitates we add at least a further 3g of salt in there to even things out) we’ll have the World Health Organisation stamping an official seal of disapproval on Professional Moron. Bring it on, hippies!

Anchovy & Marmite Soup

Let us commence by stating we’re aware anchovy soup in itself is a bit, how you say, “off” – there’s more than one anchovy going in the soup. However, writing “anchovies and marmite soup” doesn’t quite have the same appeal, does it? It’d be like writing “roast dinner with baked potato” which you just know would cause a barbaric scene at the dinner table as grandma Barbara stabs little Billy in the eye with a toothpick in the rush for the only spud.

Anchovy soup is a real thing, of course, it’s just we’re taking it to a ridiculous new level. How? The core of the soup is anchovies. Putting it another way – you’ll be pulping a load of anchovies to create the world’s most dangerous soup. To make it even more dangerous already, you’ll be adding in three (not one or two – three) big jars of marmite. Oh my word, it’s going to taste salty.

We’re thinking about 50 tins of anchovies will do the trick here. Open them up and tip them into a blender and then upend and spoon out the marmite from the jars (also into the blender – marmite can never be too smooth). Place the lid on your blender and blend like the crazed SOB you well and truly are. After three minutes, take this appalling mess and add it into a pan. Place on a low heat for 30 minutes, season with an additional 20g of salted water (your stock) and 300g of sugar (with optional black pepper) and leave to bubble soothingly.

Is This Legal?

Of course. Perfectly legal! This is why we’ve made this monstrosity – to make a point to the WHO. Naturally, the soup looks like something which belongs in a farmer’s field somewhere (one with a lot of grazing cows), but we can’t say this diminishes the taste. Indeed, eating a spoonful of anchovy and marmite soup is enough to peel your eyelids over your cranium. Quite the sight to behold!

Ironically, today our King of England, George Osborne, introduced a sugar tax to force delinquent youths to turn to savoury foods. We can heartily recommend savoury foods such as anchovy and marmite soup, which we foist upon all of society henceforth. Consume at leisure! This is, of course, if having a cerebrovascular accident (a stroke) is your type of thing. A colossal salt overload (we estimated there’s around 150g of salt in one mouthful) is guaranteed with our latest recipe. Indulge at your peril.


  1. As a veggie, I must protest this soup!
    First off, who is going to kill all of these cute little anchovies? Also, do you realize that if this recipe catches on, both anchovies and salt could become endangered? I expect & demand a reply from Mr. Wapojif, himself. No other moron will do!


    • Oh, you’re vegetarian? You probably have mentioned that before but I forgot some things, such as my birthday and which planet I am on.

      I’m verging on going full vegan, but I am lingering on fish. I like sushi. Ja, but I fully support the conservation of the oceans! If you wish to tweak this recipe, replace the anchovies with an extra bag of sea salt.


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