Sheep. The very word makes one think of abject stupidity. Sheep are indeed so stupid, their names has come to shame an individual, or a group of individuals, whom conform to vacuous behaviour: “like a flock of sheep”. You know, like those people who feel compelled to grow a Hipster beard and wear skinny jeans. Bastards!

Of course, sheep themselves are kind of docile, pleasant animals which make a hilarious noise. Kind of like Hipsters, but without the pretentious overtones. Truly, there is nothing pretentious about sheep as a species. They’re just a bit dim. So dim, in fact, we decided to establish just how dim. So, we yanked up our underpants and dashed to the nearest farm to interview some.

How Dense Are Sheep?

The local farmer wasn’t best pleased with our arrival and demanded to know what we were doing. We refused to pay any attention for him, even when he began brandishing his double barrelled shotgun, and we wandered off to the field where the sheep was grazing.

Once there, we began brandishing our iPhones at the sheep (for those unaware, you can do stuff other than take Selfies, like some raging narcissist, with iPhones). Here are some of questions we drilled the sheep with. Catching them unawares, we feel we may have rattled them:

• “Do you believe gentrification can be solved with kinetic energy?”
• “Briefly describe the fundamental molecular processes at work in Einstein’s more advanced equations.”
• “Please divide three hundred million by seventeen. Bonus points for carrying over the remainders.”
• “Are some animals more equal than others?”

These questions met with a stony silence from the sheep and, indeed, when the farmer reappeared firing his shotgun wildly into the air to scare us off, we promptly scarpered. Cripes! Those farmers are a bit angry, aren’t they?

Not The Black Sheep No More!

Ironically, as it turns out sheep are pretty bright. According to a 2011 report (which was probably called the Sheep Intelligence Report, or something) they can make “executive decisions”. We presume this means they’re able to formulate complex Excel spreadsheets about profit margins in wool and fire people accordingly. That’s just a wild guess, but then most wild guesses are buried in truth (just look at Roswell – aliens are real we saw it in Independence Day).

Sheep can also pass psychological tests which monkeys would fair. This is kind of like claiming football hooligans from the North of England are brighter than football hooligans from the South of England because they’re more drunk so can’t remember as much in the subsequent aftermath. Which is, you know, less embarrassing for them. Oh well, good on you sheep! Next it’ll be solving the meaning of life.